I'm getting fatter

I can feel it.

I don't dare weigh myself because it's 'that time of the month' and I know I'm all bloated and disgusting.

I kind of miss restricting all the time because it changes my period, for the better.

OH! so i might be moving out! The guy that I like, his roommate is moving out and he needs another roommate. Is this a bad idea?

I'm sure it's an awful idea. We both really like each other, and living together would probably ruin it. I don't know...

Any suggestions?

Anabelle

New Tapers :-)

I got my new 2 gauge tapers in the mail. Quite happy about that

My eating has been erratic.

I need help.

Help me get my motivation back, people! ha

Tips, comments, criticism, etc. would be greatly appreciated :-)

Weekends are for cheating...kind of

ugh

my eating habits have been incredibly terrible this weekend.

Charlie pretty much ditched me on Friday.

Oh, I mother-fucking-binged like no tomorrow.

Saturday. Pizza hut. I ate so much I was afraid to move. Ended up laying down the rest of the day.

Sunday, today. Tacos. Oh dear God, I love tacos more than anything else in the world.

Tacos are my addiction. They're my heroin.

Anyways, feeling pretty guilty about that now.

Tomorrow will be better though. School and work will keep my mind off of everything

Much love,
Anabelle.

ps: Follow my personal blog. Link down below...

Hello Lovelies

Here's the link to my personal blog:
http://tell-me-that-we-belong-together.blogspot.com/

Please follow :-)

oh, sweet jesus... our telephono is back...

So freakin glad we got our telephone service back. We've been without it for like 3 days. We were getting ready to start a war between my family and the telephone/internet/cable company.

Anyways, I've been kinda bad at blogging every day... but I shall begin blogging more soon.

Updates:
1. Took my first psychology test (aced it, of course)
2. Took my first calculus II test (didn't quite do as well)
3. Wrote a million new papers on controversial issues for English. My teacher thinks that I should be a lawyer because of how I argue... hmmm...
4. The date with Charlie did not happen. My schedule suddenly got busy, and so did his, so we are going to reschedule.
5. Somone at my work just put in her 2 weeks notice. Guess who's going to have to pick up the extra shifts? fml

So, I have 2 blogs. I have this one, and I also have my personal one. I had my personal one first, but I deleted it because I wanted to start completely new after high school. I deleted everything. Started a complete new blog, but I don't have followers, and I sound completely crazy just talking to myself. Anyways, the only reason that I'm bringing up my personal blog is because I haven't written in there in a few months, and I would like to start writing again. I also realized that this blog has become overwhelmingly personal, and is straying away from the original purpose I intended it to be.

I would appreciate it if anyone would follow my personal blog. I'll post a link when I look up the url. (it's not that i forgot it, it's just too long to type out, and i'd rather just copy and paste)

Anyways, Stay strong
Anabelle

Days like today make me realize how dependent I am on the internet...

our internet was down for like 25 hours, along with our phone service. Thank god for cell phones. Ended up being on hold when we called the phone/internet company. We hung up after an hour and fifteen minutes of waiting.

I was supposed to have a date with Charlie tonight, but I rescheduled it for tomorrow because I have a calculus test tomorrow, and I definitely need to do some major cramming tonight. I got an A on my first psychology test. Pretty stoked about that.

I bought new earrings a couple days ago. I think I mentioned on here once that I was stretching my ears. The cost of stretching your ears is pretty much ridiculous. The larger you stretch them, the more expensive it gets to buy earrings. I found a pair for about $22. It was the cheapest one there. Anyways, I segwayed into that because I wanted to mention that I'm stretching my cartilage now too. I have this friend who stretched her cartilage to a 0 gauge. That's pretty sweet I must say.

I'm a big fan of body art and expression, so don't hate on my ear stretching... haha. I'm only planning on going to a 00gauge, then hopefully my addiction to stretching will be over. The cartilage hurts sooooo bad, so hopefully this will get it all out of my system.

I've been doing awful on ABC. I am thinking about restarting it from the beginning. I feel like I'm cheating myself by just joining in on whatever day I'm on now.

Anyways, I should probably get back to studying. Hope you all are doing well. Stay strong.
Anabelle :-)

Homework....Homework....Homework

I have 3 papers to write....

Yay college.

I have one down. 2 to go...

The last two will be easier though.

No sleep tonight. ugh


Stay strong,
Anabelle

oh, Lovelies

I am very angry with my computer. It will not allow me to open up any internet browsers, and it’s really making me mad. What’s the point in having a laptop if it doesn’t work? Ugh…

Anyways, today wasn’t too bad. I worked my normal Sunday shift. Not too entertaining. Old people line up at the pharmacy like they’re in line for concert tickets. It’s pretty ridiculous, I must say. They must have better things to do than to wait outside for their meds. Wait, meds are probably all their life.

The roller coaster with my ex-fiance is back in the upward direction again. It’s not like we’ll ever be getting back together, but I just want to try to be civilized. I guess he has a girlfriend now. Swell…. Didn’t take him long… I guess that’s hypocritical for me to say because I’m doing the same exact thing with Charlie. Oh well.

Today was supposed to be 300 calories. I surpassed that at dinner. I took some laxatives to ease my guilt. No classes tomorrow, but I still have to go to work.

Anyways, I’m not sure I really have anything else to talk about. I want to start blogging more often, but then I realize that I will have absolutely nothing to talk about besides the normal BS that I always talk about. Let’s make sure nobody reads this blog. Haha.

Thanks for following my blog! Love ya’ll

Stay strong,
Anabelle

My fears seem to get the best of me....in the worst moments

I went to Charlie's last night. We watched movies with his roommate and my best friend. I was so incredibly frustrated because he didn't hold my hand, or put his arm around me or anything. No physical contact whatsoever during the movie. I just expected him to do....something.

We then moved to the kitched because him and his roommate decided to make mac and cheese and listen to music. We finally started talking afterwards... took him long enough. We finally were alone at like 1am. We went to his room and I taught him how to...dance.

I actually ripped my pants. My attempts to be sexy just got completely ruined.

I'm so incredibly afraid to fall in love again. Remember the movie How To Deal, with Mandy Moore in it? I'm kind of like her character. I believe that the easiest way to get your heart broken is to actually put it in the position to get broken. Oh, I know for a fact that I'm going to fall so hard for Charlie, it's absurd. I'm already falling for him, and it scares me half to death.

He makes me forget about all my problems when I'm with him. He makes me forget about all my stress and all my restrictions. It's a lovely feeling. It's also rather convenient that we both pretty much have the same exact working schedule.

When I got home this morning, he actually apologized for not attempting to do anything during the movie. I get another date with him next week. We're going to my favorite Thai restaurant....

Ohmygod.... We're going to dinner! What the hell? I'm forgetting all about ABC! See, I told you...

Abc will resume again tomorrow. I've already ruined it for today.

Mental notes:
1. Learn how to drink. No more straight vodka on an empty stomach anymore.

2. Do English papers. I have to do 3 papers this weekend. Plus a Calculus assignment. Yay college.

3. Try settling the dispute with my ex-fiance. We're fighting yet again. I don't want to be friends with him anymore, but I just want both of us to forgive each other. We stopped talking on a bad note...

4. I didn't have a 4th note, but, hell, let's make one up now. Okay, this one is more of a goal. For my psychology class, we were given an assignment to go to our significant other and kiss them. We were supposed to focus with all our might on how we felt during this kiss.... Goal: get Charles to kiss me...


Anyways, time to go.
Anabelle.

ps: question? I was cleaning my room and I found this old dried up rose that I got from this one girl. Is it lame that I kept it?

Confused? check!

Alrighty,

So, I've always been bisexual. I've known this since I was a kid, so I was never really freaked out about this. About a year ago, I told my mother that I was a lesbian. I guess I told her I was a lesbian because I had had too many bad experiences with boys and I just "gave up" on them.

Well, I didn't give up on them. Guys are easier to hang out with and talk with. Girls just piss me off sometimes because girls are more stubborn. Ha, when you're fighting with a guy (and they're whipped..) usually you can just get your way, even if you're wrong, because they do not want to fight and they just want to agree and get it over with. Girls are not like that. They will fight until they are out of breath, and because you are a girl too, you will do the same.

Girls are more critical/sincere about your appearance, I believe, though. Guys know that if you say "does my butt look big?" they have to say "no, dear." Girls will say the same thing, but in their head, you know they're looking at the top of the pant's line and analyzing how much your tummy hangs over.

I'm not sure why I'm even talking about this. I suppose I am because I was deeply in love with my best friend, but she was too scared to get into anything too serious. She would play with my emotions though. Like, I was her play toy or something. Things ended up getting really hairy and we stopped talking for a long time. We're back to being best friends now, but it's not as platonic as I had hoped it would be. Over the summer I got back together with one of my ex's and she told me to dump him. Like she was jealous. Now you see my confusion. Anyways, she just got a new boyfriend and I'm really down in the dumps.

It's not like I expected her to be alone all her life, but you know, it still hurts my heart knowing that I'm not the one that's making her happy. It's kind of like someone is snapping a rubberband on my heart.

I heard this quote somewhere (I believe it was on Ghosts of Girlfriends Past) that I really liked and it seems very true for me. "You only truly get over someone once you find someone that you love more." This seems so true. I mean, I loved my ex-fiance very very much, but nothing can compare to how much I was madly in love with her.

I remember why I started this new post now! So this new love interest of mine is a boy.... I'm happy about this. Girl drama is just taking every bit of energy out of me. Anyways, this new boy is very very sweet. He's 22 and he lives on his own. He has a full time job and he's neat and cleanly. He takes care of me when Im too drunk to take care of myself. He gives me massages that are completely amazing, and when we cuddle I feel crazy butterflies in my tummy.

And I know he feels the same way about me too. I haven't experienced anything like this since 'her'. So, it's nice to have feelings like this again. With my ex-fiance, well things were different. He treated me pretty badly, I guess. I honestly couldn't see it until yesterday, actually.

I miss being treated like every lady deserves to be treated. Every lady deserves to be treated like a princess, if she wants, and she should feel like she's the most beautiful person in the world. She shouldn't be pushed into things she's uncomfortable to do...

So, wish me luck tomorrow with my date with butterfly-boy.... okay, that was a bad name for him. That makes him either seem like a bug geek who only lives to spawn new kinds of butterflies, or he's gay... which he is neither. I don't want to use his real name because I feel that would be disrespectful to him because he does not know I have this blog.

Let's call him.... Charles.

Anyways..... Thanks for following my blog you guys. I'm not sure if anyone actually reads any of my posts due to lack of comments, but then I realize that I'm a complete hypocrite. I read all the posts to everyone I'm following, but I barely leave comments. I'll try harder people, I promise. And I also promise to write some more interesting posts. I've had such a lack of time lately that I haven't even started to think of some more blog topics. I want to make this a better blog though, so I need suggestions. Any help would be appreciated?

Lovingly,
Anabelle

English class is starting to suck...

We pretty much have to write a new paper every two days. They are not hard, but they are focused upon fairly controversial issues that frankly I have not really thought about.

First:
I had to read something that Rush Limbaugh wrote about giving out condoms in high schools, then respond to it. I had to write about my opinions on it, and everyone in the classroom started fighting about their opinions. I suppose giving out condoms in school is rather straightforward, but the school should have them available. Maybe handing them out is a bad idea, I agree about that. Schools shouldn't JUST teach abstinence though. Not everyone is going to make the choice to remain a virgin until marriage, and schools should teach teenagers ALL the ways to stay safe. Abstinence plus sex ed (condoms, safe sex, etc.).

Second:
The paper that's due tomorrow that I'm neglecting to write until the last minute. The statement he gave us was "Should mentally ill men and women be sterilized from having children?" That's such an incredibly broad thing to talk about. Also, I need clarification of the term "mentally ill." I mean, mentally ill can mean depression or Tourettes (or perhaps eating disorders....), gender identity problems (not really sure if that is really a mental illness, but it's more of a displacement I guess...)... but it can also mean schizophrenia, multiple personality disorders, autism, down's syndrome, and anything and everything inbetween.

I don't even know where to start. It's hard to separate my emotional feelings from reality here. I mean, I believe everyone should have the right to have children. I cannot imagine anyone taking away the ability for me to have kids. That would be awful. When I look at it from a more realistic point of view, I realize that some people cannot take care of themselves, so how would they be able to take care of a child?

There's also legal issues to deal with when it comes to mentally ill people having children. It's illegal to have sex with a mentally ill person (you know what I mean when I say that... like, people who have a certain extent of mental retardation) because they cannot legally give consent. So, it would be illegal to get someone like that pregnant, unless they are both cognatively challenged...in that case, I'm not sure what to say to that...

I suppose it all has to do with if the parents are not deemed unfit parents.

I'm so confused about this topic, it's ridiculous.





ANYWAYS,
I broke ABC today because it was my grandma's and great-grandma's birthday today, so we celebrated.

Pizza and cake.

Shit shit shit.

Needless to say, I will spend a couple hours at the gym tomorrow to burn off some extra calories.

Tomorrow is..... 100 calories. haha, what a difference from today.

I'm sure it's totally possible. I'm hanging out with my new boy-love-interest tomorrow. oh, I also have another story, but I might just start a new blog post for that one because this one is already much too long.

Control is such a bitch

3rd day of ABC.

I just went over 300 calories.

I threw it all back up.

I think I just like taste.

I can handle being hungry.

Anyways, I'm not sure if I can forget about the calories I just threw up....

I'm going to forget about them.

About 150 cals today then.

I've decided to never weigh myself naked. Always with clothes on to make myself heavier.

I'm fasting until tomorrow night now because my grandparents are taking my family out to dinner because it's my grandma's and great-grandma's birthday.

Let's hope I order something small.

Anyways, I've got to go to work soon. I better make sure I don't smell like puke....


Anabelle

Oh, back to school I go...

Definitely not liking the fact that I'm back to a regular schedule. I was enjoying waking up whenever I wanted. My classes are pretty interesting.

Except for english. I just wrote a little paper why I support sex ed in schools and if i support the distribution of condoms in high schools? why not have them there? safety first, right?

I mean, handing them out to everyone seems rather useless, but they should be there if needed.


UPDATES:
1. I'm talking to my ex-fiance-boyfriend-whatever-you-want-to-call-him again. I promised I'd stay friends with him, but I haven't talked to him for a month. I told him that I missed him....totally meaning it in a friendly way, but he didn't take it that way. He got all pissed and was accusing me that I only was talking to him because I needed some sort of emotional need fulfilled. Fuck that. Don't flatter yourself.

2. Day 2 of ABC. Things are going wonderful. I bought specific food for my lower calorie days. Things are staring to get back on track.

3. I've started going to the gym again. It's getting harder to jog when your tummy is completely empty. Oh well.

4. I'm back on my sleeping pill regimen. Not too happy about that, but oh well. Shit happens.

I'm almost seeing my new guy. Working on it as we speak. I'll keep you posted.

Wish me luck on day 3 of ABC!
Anabelle

Are prostitutes and department-store Santa's really that different?

I saw that line on the back of a book at Barnes & Noble today. It made me giggle. I posted that phrase straight to facebook and got tons of comments on it. The best comment "No. They both leave you completely unsatisfied." Funny.

I decided I would try and start the ABC diet either Saturday or Monday. Haven't decided yet. I ended up making plans with some friends that were in town, and half of those plans include eating, so I don't want to make them suspicious or worry them. Worrying my friends means bad things (for instance, and intervention with my school counselor, math teacher, and mother).

I went shopping with my best friend today. She lives about 300 miles away for school, so it was nice to see her for once. We went and tried on tons of clothes. It's so weird buying new clothes. I mean, I've bought new clothes within the past few years, but most of them were too big when I bought them, so they are also too big now. I used to be a medium, and now I'm an extra-small. It's such a weird feeling. Buying pants that are size one. I used to wear a SIZE 11!! It just kind of helps me realize how small I actually am. 'Tis kind of nice, I guess.

But that's definitely not going to get me to stop thinking about the ABC diet.

I'm completely positive that this blog post had a direction I was going to go in, but it's just not coming to me. Lost it... Gone.

Question: What are some good ana movies or books?

I bought the book "Skinny". I cannot remember for the life of me the authors name, but it has a green popsicle on the front cover.

Anywho, Facebook is calling.

Much love, stay strong.
Anabelle

My ABC plans...

day1: 500 calories(or less)
day2: 500 calories(or less)
3:300 calories
4:400 calories
5: 100 calories
6: 200 calories
7: 300 calories
8: 400 calories
9: 500 calories
10: fast
11: 150 calories
12: 200 calories
13: 400 calories
14: 350 calories
15: 250 calories
16: 200 calories
17: fast
18: 200 calories
19: 100 calories
20: fast
21: 300 calories
22: 250 calories
23: 200 calories
24: 150 calories
25: 100 calories
26: 50 calories
27: 100 calories
28: 200 calories
29: 200 calories
30: 300 calories
31: 800
32: fast
33: 250 calories
34: 350 calories
35: 450 calories
36: fast
37: 500 calories
38: 450 calories
39: 400 calories
40: 350 calories
41: 300 calories
42: 250 calories
43: 200 calories
44: 200 calories
45: 250 calories
46: 200 calories
47: 300 calories
48: 200 calories
49: 150 calories
50: fast

I promised myself I would not become one of those Twilight obsessed girls....

Definitely failed at that one.... I went to the book store the other day and got three new books, with the intentions to finish the third Twilight book, then read my three new ones. It is completely impossible to stop reading those damn books. I have now started the fourth book, and I'm rather perturbed with myself because all my friends have been on my back about starting "Nineteen Minutes" by Jodi Picoult. Yes, I'm a book nerd, get over it.

I weighed myself Monday. I haven't weighed myself since, about, well, Christmas. Yeah, Christmas. I was 122 on Christmas. Haven't been restricting much at all, but surprisingly my weigh in Monday wasn't too bad. I was 119.6 lbs, which is much better than expected. My short term goal is 110, and it will be completely feasible because school starts back up next Monday.

Oh god, I'm so excited to get back to school. Excited to start again. New semester, new teachers, the works. New restrictions. Good times. I actually think my best college friend (I only say this because no one from my high school, or actually anyone I know, goes to my college...I'm so alone) is somewhat ana. I mean, she always talks about how hungry she is but never gets food. We always talk about how tempting the donuts looks as we pass the cafeteria each morning, but we never buy them. Interesting thought, I must say.

Are there American restaurants in Italy? Because we have Italian restaurants here....

Just a thought.

Time to read Breaking Dawn.

Hope all is well. (Sidenote: When I typed "all" I actually typed "ass" first. Funny typos)

Anabelle :-)

Oh, the new year..... Should I bore you with my resolutions??

Haven't posted in a couple days... grr...

Alright, so... I haven't been restricting for a long while. I kind of decided to just let it be for the holidays. I go back to school in.... 10 days.... so i figure that my schedule will make it much easier to keep up with the restrictions. Ah, I'll put my resolutions down towards the bottom of the post...

So, I promised myself I wasn't going to drink on New Year's, because I had to work at 8am this morning. So, I planned my...plans....accordingly. I ended up going to a party in town that had no drinking whatsoever. It was rather nice for once. Drunk guys get really annoying after a couple hours. Actually, I was going to go to another party instead, but didn't go because everyone was wasted, and I guess there was a huge fight... I would bet you money that if I was there, I would get accidently punched in the face.

Anywho, went to the party. It was fun. Music, games, etc. I ended up playing Twister for like 4 hours. Starting to regret that now. Once you hit the age of 18, your body just goes downhill from there. Hell, I just turned 19, and I'm definitely starting to feel like I'm falling apart. BOYS ARE SO INCREDIBLY ANNOYING AT TWISTER! They're vicious.... it's a fact.

Work today was rather hellish, I must say. I ended up doing inventory of the whole store by myself for 7 hours. Happy New Year's Ana! ugh...

Alrighty, so, I suppose I could state a couple of my resolutions for you...
1. Once school starts, start restrictions again. I would like to become a vegetarian as well.

2. Now that I do not have a Body Conditioning class anymore, I would like to get to the gym a few times a week. Not sure if that is going to be possible, but I'll try it.

3. I want a 4.0 gpa in school, dammit. I printed my grade report off yesterday, and I got 3 A's and 2 B's. Those B's are driving me crazy!

4. I don't really have a number 4 on my resolutions, but, let's make one up now. Oh! I want to make Joshua mine! I've been hanging with him for a couple of months, and I really like him. He was actually the reason my fiance broke it off with me.... oh.... let's not bring him up...

5. I want to learn how to sleep. Honestly, I'm down to like 3 hours a night again. I need more sleep because I can't be tired at school and work. Tired=Mistakes.

Well, this blog has been boring enough... Oh!

6. I want to think of better topics to write in this blog. Make it more interesting, fun, etc.

Wishing you all a Happy New Year! :-)
Much Love,
Ana