Drinking...

I'm never drinking again.

I fucked up. Cheated on my fiance.

bad weekend.

~ana~

HOLY FUCKING SHIT! FUCKING GUN SHOTS OUTSIDE MY FUCKING HOUSE!

I live in like a overwhelmingly geriatric neighborhood. What the fuck?!

Cops are coming. I hear them... Wow.

I'll blog later...
Ana

ouchie!

So, I'm gauging my ears, and it's going pretty well. Still pretty small, but whatever. The lobes are 8 gauge, and I'm starting to gauge my cartiledge. I put 14's in them. bad idea. They didn't feel too bad yesterday, but today they kill. Took the 14's out. I'm Neosporin-ing them as we speak.

Ugh, all the laxatives I used to take kind of messed up my...erm....system. Now like right when i eat something, i immediately have to go to the bathroom. not vomit, but, uh, other end. ha. i ate about 600 calories today, but they don't stay in my system for like more than a couple hours.

yesterday sucked, but things got better...

hope all is well!
Anabelle :-)

hi

I won't be posting anything tonight. I'm super depressed and I just want to go to bed early tonight. I want to get this day over with as soon as possible.

eating wise, I am doing very well. no food at all today. If i stay depressed like this, I'll never be able to eat again. ugh

sorry, I'm normally not like this. I normally just get over it, but I did something i should not have done today, and I'm just waiting for the consequences. checking my myspace obsessively... panic attacks today. anxiety. waiting. i. hate. this.

Talk to you tomorrow,
Anabelle :-(

BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ... (sound of his text messages)

Is it bad that I'm really annoyed with my fiance?

He's just really getting on my nerves lately.

He'll say "what's wrong?"

I'll be like "Nothing, I promise you."

He'll say "I just feel like there is something wrong."

I think... There WILL be something wrong if you don't just drop it.

Gosh, I just feel like such an asshole, but I dunno. The thought of marriage is kind of freaking me out right now.

Oh, monogamy.

I should call him or something. Assure him that I'm still alive.

I now remember why I hate my job...

My boss is the biggest asshole in the world.

Oh well.

Today was okay. I didn't really eat anything. At most I ate about 200 calories. I did have an energy drink, though. I'm sure that was about 300 calories, but whatever. (Secretly, I never count calories from drinks.)

Not failing any classes yet. Got a B on my Chemistry test, and I have an A in Calculus (surprisingly!).

I was going to plan what I was going to talk about in this blog, but that definitely didn't happen. I will have a post with actual substance one of these days.

My weight hasn't budged. Kind of angers me a little, but I haven't been exercising at all. I work tomorrow, but I have Thursday, Friday, and Saturday off, so I will be working out quite vigorously. I need some sort of proof that my semi-fasting is working.

Weight today: 118-119
Goal by weekend: 115.

Am I capable of that?

Hell yes.

I'm going to read some blogs now. Ttyl,
Anabelle

well

today started out promising. I ended up with about 380 calories up until about 9:30 this evening. All those calories were from beverages though, so it was pretty great. I bought some protein shakes. They were disgusting, but they kept me from getting hungry all day.

I'm lactose intolerant, so i can't really eat dairy too much. I thought I would be able to drink the shakes without a problem, but I guess not. Oh, i went to work.... and ended up in the bathroom... and I don't wanna talk about what happened in said bathroom.

Anyways, I got home from work. and BAM. I saw Doritos. And normally I don't like Doritos, but there was the cheesy dip stuff too. Oh, orgasm! Anyways, I ruined the day. Ha. I'm sure I'm still under 800 calories, so today wasn't a complete tragedy, but I only wanted 400 calories or less. I'm going to try again tomorrow. I have to find a strategy to taking the diet pills at the right time so I won't binge. I always have trouble with the first two or three days when I'm restricting calories. Once I get past day three, it's smooth sailing. So, I just need the diet pills until I can make it past day three.

Let's hope that theory works. Anyways. I better go. I never sleep anymore, so I took a sleeping pill. Should be kicking in soon.

I'm always looking for new ana buddies! ana.belle.mia@live.com <~MSN.... link to Twitter in sidebar.

Goodnight and good luck to all,
Anabelle :-)

Goals...

Well, I guess I never said what I want my goal weight to be.

I started off at 140 lbs.

I'm now hovering between 114-120

I want 105. Very badly.

I'm five foot two. I can't pull off this 120 pound look off anymore.

I have a really skinny waist and everything.

I just have a very large...umm...bust...haha.

I'll keep you posted. I hope to get down to 105 by the end of the year.

That seems manageable (is that even how you spell it?) right?

Anyways, I need sleep.

Night, Anabelle :-)

ohmygosh...

I'M SO COLD!

I went to a wedding yesterday. Ugh. Completely screwed up my eating schedule. The schedule is resuming tomorrow, thankfully. I work tomorrow, Tuesday, and Wednesday... So not being at home all day will definitely get me back on track and on schedule.

So, is it bad to accidently have little tiny crush on someone else while you are engaged? As long as I don't act on the temptation, I should be fine, right? Gosh. My co-worker is single now, and he's so incredibly sexy. Like, when I first started working there, he said my name, and I almost peed my pants.... No joke, that's how sexy he is. Anyways, my parents are going out of town for the weekend next week, and he wants to know if I'm throwing a party. Oh, gosh, tempting. I told him I'd let him know. He said that even if I don't have a party that I should get together with him. oh, bad bad bad temptations. no no no no no no no. I have my man. no straying! ugh.

anyways. I wrote a essay about eating disorders for my English class. Ha. I'm the biggest procrastinator. I had two weeks to do it. It was due today at midnight. I started at nine. haha. Submitted it to the teacher about twenty minutes ago. It's a good night.

So, wish me luck tomorrow. I definitely need it. I'm getting super stressed, and I really don't want to get off my strict eating schedule any more than I already have. haha.

Follow me on Twitter! ha. I only have like seven followers, so, yeah. Pretty please? :-)

I gotta go find my phone. I'm sure my guy is freaking out. He freaks out if we're not talking every second of the day that we're not with each other. It's been like two hours since I checked my phone. I'm sure he's throughly pissed.

Goodnight for now,
Anabelle

Good day...

Today has been a fairly good day. I got a B on my Calculus test. Could be better, but I'll take it. No food at all today. Not even gum. It feels very very good. Took one diet pill this morning, and I'm going to take one tonight, an hour before work ends. So, hopefully it will supress my appetite a little more after I get off work. I don't want to binge anymore. It just bugs me. I'm thinking that on my binge days (Saturdays...hmm...might change that to Sundays.) I'll only have about 500-700 calories, so it will be less hard for me to get back into the swing of things the next day.

ah, I have to leave for work in like 20 minutes.

I've been thinking about trying to start running again. This woman came into my health class today and she talked about how she went from being completely unathletic, to running the Disney marathon. Now, it's not like I want to go running any marathons, I just want to try to start getting back into shape. Now that I graduated from high school, and there are no dance classes for me to take around here (except for clogging with 80 year olds...I'll pass), I need to find a new option to help me stay in shape. Plus, jogging burns a lot of calories. Wish me luck!

Well, I better get ready for work. I've been drinking tons of water, so I pee so many times a day. It's crazy. Anyways,

Love,
Anabelle

Today...

Today is a good day thus far.

Only had about 500 calories today, and I'm going to work in a little over an hour. I'm sure I'll work most of that off tonight. I'm restricting my calories, finally. Yesterday was a bad day. Over 1000 calories. But today, I feel like I'm gaining some control. Going to talk to my old counselor today before I have to go coach, hopefully.

I slept very well last night. I went to my old dance studio last night, and they let me join the hip hop class for the day. It felt good to dance again. I've lost a lot of muscle definition, so I'm a little sore today, but, sore is good. I need to start working out again. I just get home around 10 every night after work, and that just seems too late to work out. Plus, I have tons of homework. oh well, I can do sit ups while doing calculus.

My classes got done early today :-), So, hopefully work goes well too. My boss is kind of psycho. Anyways,

Best of luck,
Anabelle

oh...

oh yay. 2 followers! :-) Happy day.

Twitter...

Hey, Follow me on Twitter. Deleted my old account. Made a new one. Good times. Link to follow on the right hand sidebar. otherwise, my username is ana_belle_mia.

okay, this really is goodnight.
Love,
Anabelle

New Post...

Okay, so not eating wise...

My life is starting to turn around. I'm doing fairly well in college. I need to stop procrastinating. I'm so damn concerned about losing weight, that I never do any of my online classes! I'm starting to coach my old cheerleading squad. It'll be nice because I can be different than my old coach was to me. I don't have to hint at people if they are too big. I feel like I will be more accepting than the old coach was. After all, she's pretty much the one that got me obsessed with losing weight. They are all my girls, and they are beautiful, whatever size they are.

Wow, I sound like a hypocrite. It's weird though. I really am not concerned about anyone's weight. I don't see people as fat. I think girls are skinny, and they'll weigh more than me. I just see myself as large.

Each day I am falling more and more in love with my fiance. Oh, he's so sweet. I've been doing online class stuff for hours, and all he wants to do it pamper me and treat me like a princess. It's nice to actually be treated well for a change. I love him

oh, I know there was more I was going to talk about... Oh, umm.... I have 1 follower! woo! Thank you Follower #1 who's name I cannot remember. It feels good to know that I'm possibly not just talking to myself on here anymore. ha.

umm...umm...umm.... shoot, I don't remember what else I was going to say. I should make lists. But then I would ramble on and on. More than I'm doing right now.

I should go. Tomorrow is going to be a long day. My first day of coaching! Wish me luck (and the willpower to not eat any damn Lunchables!)

Goodnight,
Anabelle <3

Oh, not too bad...

Okay, so I have concluded that completely just binging for two weeks, then going back to no calories a day is a stupid idea. So, I'm going to just start weening myself off of food. Cut back to one meal a day today, which is good. Took the diet pills. They were working until about...oh, about 9:45. Not bad. They kind of make me feel sick though. I don't think they were meant to be taken completely on an empty stomach, but oh well. They were expensive buggers, so I'm definitely going to use them up.

it's nice to feel hungry again. I feel like I'm starting to gain control of my life again. and at the same time i feel like i'm spinning out of control. I'm going through a best friend divorce and it made me realize that I was only sober because she was my friend. We stopped talking yesterday, and guess what? I broke out the whiskey. That was a stupid idea. She was the one that was ultimately stopping me from attaining my goal weight though, so hopefully I can finally get closer to where I want to be. She used to be bulimic, so we shared everything we did. Eating stuff. But she got sick, and had to stop, and since she has recovered, she wouldn't tolerate my eating habits. So, I put them on the back burner. Now that she's gone, I can do whatever I want.

The downside: I have no one to talk ana-mia to! I feel kind of alone. So I'm going to try to reach out and get a new ana buddy.

feel free to add me on msn: ana.belle.mia@live.com

this blog is long enough. ha, I may have to start a new post. Very talkative today.

Love,
Anabelle

Hmm...

Well, I haven't written in a couple days. Binged pretty badly lately. But my new 6 day fast starts tomorrow, so hopefully I can get back on track. I bought some appetite supressants... yeah, I feel like it's cheating, but oh well. I just need to get used to being hungry again, and not give into cravings. It's nice because, well, my whole family is on a diet, and we are trying to use up all the food in the house. So, our fridge only contains condiments, soda, and a jar of pickles. I like it.

So, this week should be easier, food wise, that is. My mom went out of town this weekend, so it was just me and my dad. Without my mom there supervising him, my dad felt like he could do whatever he wanted. He went to the liquor store and bought a case of beer and some bottle of booze that I couldn't figure out what it was. That was at 5. By 7 it all of it was almost gone. He spent the whole damn day drinking and watching the Discovery Channel. Ugh. My parents have been fighting a lot lately. My dad has been a huge douchebag to my mom. He would never hit her, but he just messes with her head. She gets so pissed when he ignores her. He will ignore her for days and days. He's really pissed because she has changed since she started her new job about a year ago. They were hermits before she started her new job. Now she starts to hang out with her friends maybe once a week. Of course she is going to change. She doesn't hate this job! I honestly think they will get a divorce before I graduate college. I know I'm being terribly pessamistic, but I don't like to get my hopes up ever.

My mother, on the other hand, is really weird too. Ever since she got this new job, she's been spending enormous amounts of money. She makes less than she did at her old job, and money was super tight then, so, i'm really not sure what's going on. It freaks me out. I really need to move out. This house is driving me insane. I can't afford to move out though. My parents won't help me with rent for an apartment, and I'm only working like four days a week at 11 dollars an hour. Not quite enough to live on when you're paying for college on your own as well. Plus I drive 25 miles to school every day. Gas and car maintenance is going to be a bitch.

Wow, I'm wired right now. I tool 2 sleeping pills (I have insomnia.) and they aren't kicking in tonight. Great. I'm gonna fall asleep super late and feel loopy in the morning for work.

Going through my best friend divorce right now too. She pretty much told me to fuck off, so I am fucking off. Better off not as friends. We fought like every day anyways. I'm getting all the toxic people out of my life right now.

I'm engaged. Wow, can't believe I didn't mention that sooner in this blog! Yes. On Wednesday. Oh, I love him. I've known him since first grade. I told him that we can't plan anything until after I finish college though. My mother always taught me to never rely on a man financially. Always be able to be independent. He doesn't like that he has to wait, but if he loves me, he'll wait. Hopefully. ha.

But I'm also thinking that I don't want to spend my whole college experience engaged. Oh, I wish he would have waited. You know college kids. They get drunk. They do stupid shit. I don't trust myself to stay faithful while drunk. SO, no drinking in college. Damn....

Oh welll. I should get going to bed. Good night to all!

~Anabelle

Bad calorie day...

so, went to work today. it felt good because i could tell that i was starting to get hungry again. i like feeling hungry. it makes me feel like everything i'm doing is working.

then i came home.

looked in the fridge. stupid idea. i'll normally have a piece of cheese before bed. but i saw an arby's bag in the fridge. ugh. roast beef. i ate it. then.... if that wasn't bad enough... i had another ham sandwich.

this ends now.

i need to start fasting. very very soon.

i'll keep you posted.

Cheating...

so, i'm angry. angry at everything that happened yesterday. between calculus and chemistry today i drove to the convenience store and bought a monster and some pepperoni flavored combos. tricky advertising, i must say. i was like halfway through the bad, then looked at the packaging info. 7 servings per bag. rather ridiculous, i must say. 140 calories per serving. so, i ate about half. 140 times 3.5.... 490 calories. already exceeding my limits for daily calorie consumption. add in the monster. ugh... i'm about 300 calories over. this week long cycle is not working so much this week.

i just need to calm down and focus. i work tonight. my last class ends at 3, drive a half an hour home, then work at 4 until around 9. so that will keep me busy and help me not binge. i'm wearing size 1 jeans today! i'm not going to mess this up!!

Bad day

Today was a bad day. I should be happy, but I'm not.

It's a beautiful day outside, and my boss decided to close up shop an hour early to go to the lake. I got all my online english assignments done.

Ugh. I also binged so much today. I ate 2 lunchables! 2! and...oh...what else? this oreo cake thing I found in the refrigerator. (crazy amount of calories!) and half a bag of corn nuts. I've lost all control today. I took laxatives on some stupid impulse last night, so I've had a stomach ache all day. I almost want to take more just to cleanse myself of all the junk that I put into my body today.

Tomorrow starts my next 6 day cycle of no eating. I don't know if I can do it. All of my willpower is exhausted by now. I'm going to try to do 2 cycles, then binge (not a lot, of course).

From the start...

In high school I was a cheerleader. I started in ninth grade, and it was just an amazing experience. I was the smallest girl, therefore, I was the one that was thrown in the air the most. I loved flying. It's all I did. I gained some weight between ninth and tenth grade, and when I came back in the fall, my coach wouldn't have my flying as much. I wasn't flying at all after a while. After talking to some of the older girls, they told me that Coach would let people fly if they got too big. Here begins my long struggle with my weight.
I lost the weight, but Coach still wouldn't let me fly. I assumed that I was always too big. When senior year came around, I finally became the flyer again. By then, I was an emotional wreck.
In tenth and eleventh grade, I struggled with narcotic drug addiction. It got a little out of control. I ended up getting my best friend stabbed for drugs. After OD'ing, I decided it was time for change. I cleaned up my act. Got sober. The drugs kept me skinny, and when I got sober I had to deal with losing weight again.
I took laxatives every day for long periods of time. I ended up getting seriously dehydrated because I wasn't eating anything at all, so the laxatives were just taking all of the water out of me. I remember being at work and just throwing up so bad because I was so dehydrated. It was awful.
Junior and Senior year were my ana-mia stages. I would go about 6 days without eating, then eating about 400-500 calories on the 7th day. It was exhausting keeping track of everything that I ate.
As for now, I am in college. Still dealing with my weight. I got my weight up to 125lbs. this summer and maintained it. I was healthy. But I still yearn to be smaller. I'm afraid that I'm going to end up like my mother, and grandmother. They both have numerous health problems due to their weight. They are both rather obese, and I am determined to never allow myself to become that big.

Welcome

Hello. I'm AnaBelle, and I started this blog to show my ana-mia journey. I am not promoting eating disorders whatsoever. I just want to share my journey. Please stop reading now if you are going to make rude comments.

I'm AnaBelle, and this is my story...