Well, I have taken a few days off. To clarify that... I shut off my phone since last saturday, took a break from blogging, twitter, facebook, all of usual sites I go on religiously. More importantly, I took a break from my restricting.
Let's talk about this for a bit...
I'm so used to getting fucked over. I'm always the girl who gets used, and...cheated on. I've never been that person. I've never fucked up like this before. So, I'm not sure what to do. I dunno. We're working on things, but I honestly can't bear to see his face. I hate being the reason for causing someone else pain. He doesn't deserve pain like this, from anyone. Especially me.
I haven't restricted any calories in about a week. Saturday... Almost a week. I'm afraid to step on the scale. I won't get a chance to check until tomorrow morning. Might check after class tomorrow though. I don't want to ruin the day by knowing how much weight I have gained in the past week. I'll be rather satisfied if it is less than 125 pounds. I'm sure my weight is less than that, but we'll see.
Question: What tricks do you guys use when it comes to weighing yourselves? Personally, I make sure I'm wearing heavier clothes, so I can trick myself into thinking that I weigh more than I actually do. Therefore, I have more initiative to restrict.
I'm reading this book. "Identical" by Ellen Hopkins. It's kind of neat (in a sick and twisted sort of way). It's really hitting me hard. I don't even know why. When I read it, sometimes I have to put it down for a couple hours because it gets so intense. It's VERY intense. I highlighted this in the book, I thought it was interesting...
"It's probably weird to think about an addiction like it's a sentient being, but that's how it feels. Like it's something living inside you. Something you can't get rid of because killing it means killing you. I can't really understand addictions to drugs or alocohol. Things that control you. But an eating disorder is an addiction you can control. Wait, is that paradoxical? I prefer to believe not." (from Identical by Ellen Hopkins. pg. 138)
Didn't go to any classes today. Mental health day. Definitely needed it. I feel a lot better now. Hopefully everyone else is doing well! I'll be blogging more now that I'm done being crazy. ha.
Much Love,
Anabelle~
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Well, to trick myself into thinking I weigh more, I weigh in the afternoon after drinking a bunch of water. Or convince myself that the scale is off by six pounds, which could very well be true. (By the way, I'm Pro-ana-tina on twitter, this is an old account.)
ReplyDeleteHmm. I don't trick myself, I can't bear it. I weigh naked, too. Yes, stark NAKED! Golly Molly. It is straaaange typing that. Admitting that I do something naked! :O
ReplyDeleteInstances of my weighing:
1. in the morning before using bathroom, eating, drinking, etc.
2. after using bathroom
3. after a particularly aggressive binge.
4. after I continued the binge because the number on the scale wasn't "that bad"
5. basically, whenever i have a free second.
I am a little obsessive.
And wow. That woman has insight!
Hope your mental health day continues well, and that you lose billions of kilograms, and that things with him all work out.
You deserve it, sweetykins! muchos lovenos
Avani: Ah, I wish I still had one of those old school scales that aren't digitalized. Then you could just set it to be six pounds off... damn technology. Thanks for the following on Twitter! :-)
ReplyDeleteIsabella: ha. Naked, Yeah I know what you mean. It's definitely weird admitting I do somethink naked. I hate even admitting I shower naked. ha.
Yes, I believe you are a little obsessive, but it's okay. I used to be the same way. It's interesting watching the weight gain/loss throughout the day.
Ah, mental health day is ending well. I feel a cold coming on. The damn Swine Flu H1N1, whatever it's called now, is all over my town. I will be overdosing on Vitamin C and Zicam for the next few days! ha.
Love ya'll