ugh

So, today was an alright day thus far. I had a donut this morning :-(. When i came home after school I found my lunch bag that I forgot to bring with me to school. I ate all the contents of it, plus a bag of chips.

Then the guilt set in. I don't purge too often. I was more of the laxatives type girl. But I felt really guilty, and full, so I went to the bathroom, and vomited. I then began to feel guilty that I vomited.

Oh the endless cycle.

So, no more calories. I need to exhibit some self control. I can't stand vomiting! I am horrible at making myself puke, so I always make loud noises and that nasty heaving noise. Yuck. No more! I haven't puked since...oh, maybe, since May-ish. So it's been a while.

Oh well, I'm gonna pop a few diet pills into my pocket before I go to work. It's easy controling my appetite there, but when I get home I always tend to binge. No more.

WEIGHT TODAY: 115.6lbs= 52.4kg

ah, I'll take it. I want that number to be lower by the weekend. Restricting starts now.

Hope all is well! :-)
Love,
Anabelle~

Crazy society...

So, I'm sitting in the physics lab with my laptop. It's rather boring and I'm dreading going to Body Conditioning. There are 8th graders touring the college today. That just makes me sad. They're really trying to recruit early. I mean, most of these students have no inkling as to what they want to be when they ''grow up''...

When I was in 8th grade, I wanted to be an astronomer. I was all nerdy and such. Now, well, I'm still nerdy, but I'm going to school to be a pharmacist. They have no common denominator at all, which is exactly my point.

Wouldn't it be more effective to have tours for students closer to graduation. 8th graders? really?

wow..


anyways, yesterday was good. I only hit about 400 calories, so it was a good day.

today, on the other hand, I've already hit about 300, and it's not even noon yet. I have my diet pills at my side, so hopefully it should be an okay day. I'm dead tired.

I should be doing homework.
I might blog again tonight, we will see how late i get off work today.

Love,
Anabelle

ahhh!!!!

It has been so long since I've been on here. Approximately 17 days. Well, I have come on here, I just haven't posted anything since October 8th. I've been very ADD lately, so I haven't been able to concentrate long enough to sit down and just write. I did TRY to write a new blog, but I had to leave, and I forgot to press the save button.

ANYWAYS, {updates}

1. I am back with my man again. Things are really different this time. I'm grateful he took me back. It's nice.
2. I've been working about 30 hours a week, and going to school full time. It's exhausting!
3. I started my Body Conditioning class, so I am exercising a lot more than I used to. Makes he happy because now I can start losing some more weight.
4. Having trouble restricting. Since I live with my parents, I can't control fully what is bought at the grocery store. But my parents told me last night that today, Sunday, is the last day of junk food. They are going on a diet, so, therefore, I am indirectly going on a diet as well. It made me smile on the inside.
5. In my Body Conditioning class, it said my BMI was 21. I don't like that number. Let's change it. 20 sounds better. 19...better yet.
6. Well, I'm not sure what else to say... oh! I failed my first college test! It was an awful fail too. Like 53%. Oh well. I can drop one test grade off of the final grade in Calculus. Kinda sucks I failed so early in the year though. I was doing really well, until last week. ha

ANYWAYS {weekly goals}
Since it is Sunday, I think it would be good to write down a set of rules for myself to abide by for the week.
1. I must park my car in the farthest parking space away from the college. I need to walk more. Burn more calories.
2. Drink more water whenever I feel hungry.
3. Take vitamins every day.
4. Restrict calories. Maximum: 500 calories/day.

Doable....I think yes.

ANYWAYS,
Thank you for following my blog everyone. I promise to participate more in it. Crazy few weeks. It'll be easier now.

Well, I should go. Have one more English assignment to do for tonight. I still need ana buddies! MSN: meg_cheerness_09@hotmail.com

Always,
Anabelle <3

Oh, I've finally found the motivation...

I was going to tell you the motivation, but I completely forgot. Okay, I have two different topics to talk about in this blog.

First topic: Restrictions are starting again. Binging is over with. I will not be happy until I'm under 110 pounds. I'm determined now. I miss my old willpower. I used to be able to go 6 or 7 days without eating a thing. Now I'd be lucky if i make it 6 or 7 hours. Restricting is starting tomorrow. So hopefully I will be able to stick to it. I realized I can't do that whole 2468 thing. If i restrict, I need 0 calories, otherwise I will binge. 0 calories tomorrow. Determined. Now.

Second topic: I did physical fitness evaluations for my health class yesterday. I'm so sore today. Which means, I need to start finding time to exercise again. My body conditioning class starts on october 19th though, so that should help.

I'm so sick lately. That'll give me the excuse to not eat, but I won't be sick forever, so I gotta start thinking up more excuses.

Hope all is well!,
Anabelle~

Newly Single....

wow, haven't felt like this in eight years. sad day

I have been binging all week. It's no good. I'm hoping when all this emotional stress and sadness goes away I will be able to focus quite a bit more. Still under 120 pounds, so it's all good.

I am planning on getting a tattoo soon. I want the words "turn wounds into wisdom" in some sort of fancy lettering. i've been trying to decipher that phrase all day. I have come to the conclusion that 'wounds' doesn't have to represent just physical wounds. (which they will represent that somewhat, since I spent a third of my life as a cutter) I'm thinking it will also stand for emotional wounds. Like the wounds when people told me I was too big, or when they told me i was never good enough. The wounds that are ripped wide open by the only person I have ever loved and lost. The wounds of all the fights (like yelling, not fists) that have left me so hurt and downtrodden. And all that combined has turned me into some crazy strong incredibly powerful young woman.

wow, life sucked so much, but it's so weird that considering how much it sucked back then it turned to be so incredibly good now. well, despite my recent singleness...

Well, I should go to bed. I took some Benadryl for my allergies and i'm incredibly sleepy now.
Goodnight to you all, and thanks for following me, love you guys!

Ana~

Can we survive this Avalanche?

I just bought the Marie Digby cd. Love it! Also bought the Lady Gaga cd (FINALLY) and the Owl City cd. Bought a jacket today too! Oh, it's so cute! Ha, as I was walking out the store the store alarm started going off. They kept that thing on there that makes the censors go off. Anyways, they gave me two coupons for the store. Score.

So, having trouble getting back into my calorie restricting. Feeling a little sick today. Ha, I actually bought a whole bag of assorted chocolate for trick-or-treater's. I'm going to eat it all.

Oh! Just weighed myself. hmm...after a week of binging... 119 pounds. I can work with that. It's a rather surprising number though. Thought I'd be closer to 130....

Okay, more boy drama.

I know I'm the most hypocritical person in the world, I know. Okay, so this weekend it was my boyfriend's old high school's homecoming. He decided he was going to go to the game, then crash the dance to see his high school friends. Whatever. He can do whatever he wants. I didn't go with. I went to a party last night. So anyways, he texts me saying that he's dancing with some random girl. Am I allowed to be jealous? after all I've put him though? Anyways, he's being a little crabby monster today. I can't even talk to him without sounding like the biggest bitch in the world. He was saying that he's going to start taking more shifts at work to make some more money, and I guess I reacted wrongly. I just said "great." I don't care. He asked what was wrong with me and what's with the attitude. ugh. I have no attitude. I just get really frustrated with boys. I should date girls. I would, but honestly, I don't think girls would be any better...

Thinking about taking a break from him for awhile. I'll give us both some time to think about things. I'm independent, and he doesn't like that. Wow, can't believe he put up with all my shit for eight years. ugh.

That's just it. Eight years. Eight fucking years. Gone. If we break up it'll be like we just wasted eight years.

I feel crazy
feel crazy
crazy
crazy

Love,
Anabelle

ugh, I've gained weight since I quit restricting...

Starting restrictions tomorrow......

My collarbones are pretty much gone!

oh...

And I have been meaning to say...

Thank you to all that are following my blog.

Hope you are all well :-)

An Update

Well, I have taken a few days off. To clarify that... I shut off my phone since last saturday, took a break from blogging, twitter, facebook, all of usual sites I go on religiously. More importantly, I took a break from my restricting.

Let's talk about this for a bit...

I'm so used to getting fucked over. I'm always the girl who gets used, and...cheated on. I've never been that person. I've never fucked up like this before. So, I'm not sure what to do. I dunno. We're working on things, but I honestly can't bear to see his face. I hate being the reason for causing someone else pain. He doesn't deserve pain like this, from anyone. Especially me.

I haven't restricted any calories in about a week. Saturday... Almost a week. I'm afraid to step on the scale. I won't get a chance to check until tomorrow morning. Might check after class tomorrow though. I don't want to ruin the day by knowing how much weight I have gained in the past week. I'll be rather satisfied if it is less than 125 pounds. I'm sure my weight is less than that, but we'll see.

Question: What tricks do you guys use when it comes to weighing yourselves? Personally, I make sure I'm wearing heavier clothes, so I can trick myself into thinking that I weigh more than I actually do. Therefore, I have more initiative to restrict.

I'm reading this book. "Identical" by Ellen Hopkins. It's kind of neat (in a sick and twisted sort of way). It's really hitting me hard. I don't even know why. When I read it, sometimes I have to put it down for a couple hours because it gets so intense. It's VERY intense. I highlighted this in the book, I thought it was interesting...

"It's probably weird to think about an addiction like it's a sentient being, but that's how it feels. Like it's something living inside you. Something you can't get rid of because killing it means killing you. I can't really understand addictions to drugs or alocohol. Things that control you. But an eating disorder is an addiction you can control. Wait, is that paradoxical? I prefer to believe not." (from Identical by Ellen Hopkins. pg. 138)

Didn't go to any classes today. Mental health day. Definitely needed it. I feel a lot better now. Hopefully everyone else is doing well! I'll be blogging more now that I'm done being crazy. ha.

Much Love,
Anabelle~