Alright...

there are a few topics i want to hit on during this blog... here goes.

1. Isabella from Finding Faults in Fatty is gone. Honestly, that was one of the only blogs i read, and i'm sad to see her go, but i also hope she is getting the help she needs. good for her :-)

2. I promised myself since my last blog that I was not going to restrict at all during finals because i needed to focus. it was nice not intentionally worrying about it for a while. I actually pigged out.

FOR EXAMPLE...

Actually, I need to tell a little backround story to tell this story...

My parents arent the healthiest people in the world. my mother is rather large for her short stature, and my dad is really bent out of shape because he finally hit the 200 pound mark. anyways, all the women in my family have problems with diabetes, most of them weight related. So, my mother's doctor made her go on a low carb diet. my father just followed along on the diet.

Okay, so.... There is no food in the house. There is literally just lettuce, and I'm not one for salads. They went out last night to a christmas party, so i was home alone all night. see, that's the problem. fatal mistake, i ordered pizza hut.

I ate a full medium pizza and like 6 breadsticks all by myself. i was rather proud that i could fit that amount of food into my body, but now i'm just angry that i did it.

So, since my finals have ended, my parents have really been paying attention to what i eat. i haven't been restricting for a little while, so it didn't look suspicious at all. like, my dad started yelling at me if i ate too much, and my mother told me she was going to put me on a diet.

i haven't gained any weight since i stopped resticting... so, i'm just rather confused at what she is getting at. i mean, before i started this blog, i was completely anorexic, and when i had to stop and get healthy again, i started this blog to try and get back into the swing of the whole ana thing. and just hearing my mother say that i was getting too big really hurt.

that was what triggered me in the first place. it was 10th grade and we were looking through pictures of the spring formal dance, and she said that i looked really pudgy. so i lost 30 lbs the quickest way i knew how. i'm nowhere close to where i was before!

so, needless to say, my parents want me to inadvertantly become anorexic again....

and I just want to please them...

wow, this blog is starting to sound crazy....

let's end this...

Anabelle

Finals week...

So, It's definitely been a weekend.

Friday: Studied intensely.... that's all I really remember...

Saturday: Sledding with my friends. We tried fitting six people on one sled. I got a concussion. I don't remember much of Saturday. haha. We did go play games at someone's house though. It was super fun. Catch phrase with college students entails many many many dirty innuendos. I'm fairly sure someone used my vagina as a reference for one of the words that they had to describe. It was....interesting.

Sunday: Today. Work. Definitely feeling the concussion today. I sucked it up and went to work. My boss fired one of my co-workers so I have to work a lot more than I should be working. Came home and studied for my finals for hours and hours.

Finals suck so bad. I have one final tomorrow, but it is at 8am. The class is normally at 9am. I live about a half an hour away from my school, so I have to leave at about 7:15. I have to wake up at 5am just to get some bathroom time....ugh. It's gonna be a long ass day tomorrow. I'm hoping that all this concussion headachey-ness will go away by tomorrow. I'm not great at calculus, and I don't want any distractions.

anyways, I'm babbling.

no restrictions until finals are over. I don't want to be counting calories or anything while I am cramming for these tests.

Anyways, I'm gonna go cram some more....

Love, Anabelle :-S

Oh, What a week...

I was rather surprised the other day. I have taken a Body Conditioning class since October and I have been lifting weights and running and biking, etc., every day. So anyways, we did final measurements yesterday. I really didn't want to do final measurements because since Thanksgiving I had been eating constantly, and I hadn't really lost any weight from my restrictions yet. Anyways... Looked down at the scale... The damn number was the same as it was in October... 118. Whatever. So, I took measurements with the tape measure. Measured the upper arm, chest, waist, hip, thigh, calf.... I lost half an inch on each of these body parts (except for my chest... haha.... time to buy a new bra)....

Then I took hold of the machine that measures the amount of body fat in your body. I don't know how it works, but last time I took the measurement in October, it measured 22.3% body fat. It seemed rather high for me, I must say. So, yesterday I did the same thing. I haven't grown taller at all, and my weight was the same. It measured 20.6% body fat. I was so surprised to see that. I honestly feel larger. That's the ana part of me taking though.

Oh how I wish I had the will power to be ana again. Food is just so blah lately, so I'm going on a really restrictive week soon. Hopefully I can fall into some sort of non-eating rut.

I'm so tired, so that last sentence probably sounded really stupid. I need sleep now.

Goodnight,
Anabelle :-)

New, Revised set of goals...

I need goals for myself. I need a goal for when I'm 115lbs. I'm pretty much there, but getting rewarded will make me feel better.

So, I find it rather ironic that I'm going to write a paper about how bad eating disorders are for my health class. Yes, it's hypocritical, but I don't care.

It's so crazy how much I haven't been on my Blogger and Twitter accoiunts, but yet I go on Facebook religiously.... I think it's the fact that none of my friends know I have the Blogger and Twitter, and I'm not really sure I want them to know. Most of my friends don't know about how crazy I am about food, and the ones that knew about it, I don't have anymore.

See, when I'm restricting, I become so obsessive that I can't think or talk or anything. Just adding... And my other friend was bulimic, so I could talk to her about this kind of stuff. I hated when she talked to me about it because she was my best friend and I didn't want her doing this to herself, so therefore, all talking about food has ceased for now.

I honestly forgot the point of this blog... I'll plan these out more in the future, i'm just rather scatterbrained today. Restrictions are becoming more and more controlled. 110 by my birthday... here we go...

Ana

My Worst Enemy

Thanks-freaking-giving.

National Get-Fat day.

aaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggg!

I couldn't stop.

Luckily, my whole family is going on a diet (due to medical reasons...)....So, therefore, all of my foods that I eat out of inpulse are now completely gone..

Hallelujah!

Ugh, my birthday is coming up.

Goal: I want to weight at most 110 pounds on my birthday. Oh, that gives me about, hmm... 25 days. That's totally DO-ABLE. I could probably get down to 110 by next week.

I almost want to do it differently this time. I want to sort of taper my eating down until I get to about 200-300 cals a day, instead of just completely stopping eating. I just go in a huge cycle of restricting, starving, stuffing my face, purging, then not getting back into restricting until i get up to 120 lbs again. Fuck that.

Clearly that plan doesn't work for me.

So, we shall try it differently this time.

Did I mention I was single now? Well....sadly, I am. Awful.

But I don't have him watching me like a hawk all the time now, so we'll see what happens.

Anyways, Calculus calls...ugh

Much Love,
Ana

ByTheWay...

I hate when I'm depressed.

I eat when I'm depressed.

Current weight: 123.0 lbs.

No good....

Note to self: Scale does not calibrate my weight with shoes on... time to unlace the Chuck Taylors...

A little hiatus...

from blogging never means anything good.

I am single (for good this time).

I am never drinking again (for good this time).

I am going to restrict until I hit 105 pounds (for good this time).

I could really use some cheering up. It's definitely been a hard couple of weeks. Hopefully I will now get a chance to start completely new, with everything. I have drained all of the toxic people from my life, and I am starting fresh. It's kind of quiet starting fresh. My phone rings less at night. It's peaceful. I am making new friends, and that makes me happy. I lost my best friend though, and I really don't know how to replace her. Well, I guess I technically cannot replace her, but I want to fill the void in my life that her friendship once filled. Maybe I'll write a book. A book can be my friend. Wow, that doesn't sound crazy at all, lol. I don't know. It's so hard. It's so hard opening up to new people. I kind of don't want to open up to new people. I've had such a dark past, and I feel like it'd be nice if they didn't know anything about that stuff. But I also feel like I SHOULD tell them because all the dark stuff that I've been through has made me the way that I am now.

Oh decisions...

I should blog more. I don't think people read my blogs anymore though, haha.

Okay, task. If you read this blog... or if you even come on my page, leave me a message below, just sayin Hi or anything. It'll just make me feel like I'm not just talking to myself here. ha

I promise less depressing blogs in the future.

Much love,
Anabelle