I've been wondering this a lot the past few weeks. It's probably some American excuse to try and validate all the food they stuff down their mouths. It's ridiculous, and it honestly drives me crazy. I'm one of those people who really has a hard time sticking to fasting. Normally, I can find the motivation and discipline to abide by most (if not all...) of the rules that I set for myself. Holidays just give me a 'Get out of Jail Free' card. Too bad it's not 'free'.
I'm thinking of stealing my grandmother's scale. It's a digital one, like mine, but it's calibrated wrong, so everyone weighs five pounds more than they actually weigh. That might give me the extra motivation to lose some weight. Now, I'm sure I could probably mess with my scale enough to make it say that I'm five pounds heavier than I actually weigh, but what fun is that?
Before Christmas, I got to about 115 pounds. I'm expecting to hit about 120 before the end of the year. It's New Year's. I'm drinking. Fuck the calories.
I am going to try fasting for the next two days, or at least trying to attain as few calories as possible. I also need to get working out more. Since my gym classes ended, I'm at a loss of physical activity, and it just feels icky. I feel my tummy coming back. This will end now.
Anyways, I have to go update my other blog before I go to bed. It's already 1:30, where did the time go???
Ana~
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Friday, December 25, 2009
Time for changes...
I need some assistance in finding some new ana blogs to read. Many of the ones I have subscribed to have been deleted or abandoned due to the writers recovering and going to treatment. Good for them, I'm not trying to dis them in any way, but I am not recovering, so therefore, I do not want to read a recovery blog.
Hmm... Any suggestions on some new blogs to read?
Ana
Hmm... Any suggestions on some new blogs to read?
Ana
Monday, December 21, 2009
Another Day...
I've suddenly found the extreme motivation to restrict.
It feels good.
I feel balanced.
It's my birthday on Wednesday, I wanna have no calories until Thursday because I know we're gonna binge on Christmas Eve and Christmas day.
I weighed in at 118.6 lbs.
I'll take it.
It's not too bad for two weeks off of restrictions.
Wish loads of luck...
Ana
It feels good.
I feel balanced.
It's my birthday on Wednesday, I wanna have no calories until Thursday because I know we're gonna binge on Christmas Eve and Christmas day.
I weighed in at 118.6 lbs.
I'll take it.
It's not too bad for two weeks off of restrictions.
Wish loads of luck...
Ana
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Alright...
there are a few topics i want to hit on during this blog... here goes.
1. Isabella from Finding Faults in Fatty is gone. Honestly, that was one of the only blogs i read, and i'm sad to see her go, but i also hope she is getting the help she needs. good for her :-)
2. I promised myself since my last blog that I was not going to restrict at all during finals because i needed to focus. it was nice not intentionally worrying about it for a while. I actually pigged out.
FOR EXAMPLE...
Actually, I need to tell a little backround story to tell this story...
My parents arent the healthiest people in the world. my mother is rather large for her short stature, and my dad is really bent out of shape because he finally hit the 200 pound mark. anyways, all the women in my family have problems with diabetes, most of them weight related. So, my mother's doctor made her go on a low carb diet. my father just followed along on the diet.
Okay, so.... There is no food in the house. There is literally just lettuce, and I'm not one for salads. They went out last night to a christmas party, so i was home alone all night. see, that's the problem. fatal mistake, i ordered pizza hut.
I ate a full medium pizza and like 6 breadsticks all by myself. i was rather proud that i could fit that amount of food into my body, but now i'm just angry that i did it.
So, since my finals have ended, my parents have really been paying attention to what i eat. i haven't been restricting for a little while, so it didn't look suspicious at all. like, my dad started yelling at me if i ate too much, and my mother told me she was going to put me on a diet.
i haven't gained any weight since i stopped resticting... so, i'm just rather confused at what she is getting at. i mean, before i started this blog, i was completely anorexic, and when i had to stop and get healthy again, i started this blog to try and get back into the swing of the whole ana thing. and just hearing my mother say that i was getting too big really hurt.
that was what triggered me in the first place. it was 10th grade and we were looking through pictures of the spring formal dance, and she said that i looked really pudgy. so i lost 30 lbs the quickest way i knew how. i'm nowhere close to where i was before!
so, needless to say, my parents want me to inadvertantly become anorexic again....
and I just want to please them...
wow, this blog is starting to sound crazy....
let's end this...
Anabelle
1. Isabella from Finding Faults in Fatty is gone. Honestly, that was one of the only blogs i read, and i'm sad to see her go, but i also hope she is getting the help she needs. good for her :-)
2. I promised myself since my last blog that I was not going to restrict at all during finals because i needed to focus. it was nice not intentionally worrying about it for a while. I actually pigged out.
FOR EXAMPLE...
Actually, I need to tell a little backround story to tell this story...
My parents arent the healthiest people in the world. my mother is rather large for her short stature, and my dad is really bent out of shape because he finally hit the 200 pound mark. anyways, all the women in my family have problems with diabetes, most of them weight related. So, my mother's doctor made her go on a low carb diet. my father just followed along on the diet.
Okay, so.... There is no food in the house. There is literally just lettuce, and I'm not one for salads. They went out last night to a christmas party, so i was home alone all night. see, that's the problem. fatal mistake, i ordered pizza hut.
I ate a full medium pizza and like 6 breadsticks all by myself. i was rather proud that i could fit that amount of food into my body, but now i'm just angry that i did it.
So, since my finals have ended, my parents have really been paying attention to what i eat. i haven't been restricting for a little while, so it didn't look suspicious at all. like, my dad started yelling at me if i ate too much, and my mother told me she was going to put me on a diet.
i haven't gained any weight since i stopped resticting... so, i'm just rather confused at what she is getting at. i mean, before i started this blog, i was completely anorexic, and when i had to stop and get healthy again, i started this blog to try and get back into the swing of the whole ana thing. and just hearing my mother say that i was getting too big really hurt.
that was what triggered me in the first place. it was 10th grade and we were looking through pictures of the spring formal dance, and she said that i looked really pudgy. so i lost 30 lbs the quickest way i knew how. i'm nowhere close to where i was before!
so, needless to say, my parents want me to inadvertantly become anorexic again....
and I just want to please them...
wow, this blog is starting to sound crazy....
let's end this...
Anabelle
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Finals week...
So, It's definitely been a weekend.
Friday: Studied intensely.... that's all I really remember...
Saturday: Sledding with my friends. We tried fitting six people on one sled. I got a concussion. I don't remember much of Saturday. haha. We did go play games at someone's house though. It was super fun. Catch phrase with college students entails many many many dirty innuendos. I'm fairly sure someone used my vagina as a reference for one of the words that they had to describe. It was....interesting.
Sunday: Today. Work. Definitely feeling the concussion today. I sucked it up and went to work. My boss fired one of my co-workers so I have to work a lot more than I should be working. Came home and studied for my finals for hours and hours.
Finals suck so bad. I have one final tomorrow, but it is at 8am. The class is normally at 9am. I live about a half an hour away from my school, so I have to leave at about 7:15. I have to wake up at 5am just to get some bathroom time....ugh. It's gonna be a long ass day tomorrow. I'm hoping that all this concussion headachey-ness will go away by tomorrow. I'm not great at calculus, and I don't want any distractions.
anyways, I'm babbling.
no restrictions until finals are over. I don't want to be counting calories or anything while I am cramming for these tests.
Anyways, I'm gonna go cram some more....
Love, Anabelle :-S
Friday: Studied intensely.... that's all I really remember...
Saturday: Sledding with my friends. We tried fitting six people on one sled. I got a concussion. I don't remember much of Saturday. haha. We did go play games at someone's house though. It was super fun. Catch phrase with college students entails many many many dirty innuendos. I'm fairly sure someone used my vagina as a reference for one of the words that they had to describe. It was....interesting.
Sunday: Today. Work. Definitely feeling the concussion today. I sucked it up and went to work. My boss fired one of my co-workers so I have to work a lot more than I should be working. Came home and studied for my finals for hours and hours.
Finals suck so bad. I have one final tomorrow, but it is at 8am. The class is normally at 9am. I live about a half an hour away from my school, so I have to leave at about 7:15. I have to wake up at 5am just to get some bathroom time....ugh. It's gonna be a long ass day tomorrow. I'm hoping that all this concussion headachey-ness will go away by tomorrow. I'm not great at calculus, and I don't want any distractions.
anyways, I'm babbling.
no restrictions until finals are over. I don't want to be counting calories or anything while I am cramming for these tests.
Anyways, I'm gonna go cram some more....
Love, Anabelle :-S
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Oh, What a week...
I was rather surprised the other day. I have taken a Body Conditioning class since October and I have been lifting weights and running and biking, etc., every day. So anyways, we did final measurements yesterday. I really didn't want to do final measurements because since Thanksgiving I had been eating constantly, and I hadn't really lost any weight from my restrictions yet. Anyways... Looked down at the scale... The damn number was the same as it was in October... 118. Whatever. So, I took measurements with the tape measure. Measured the upper arm, chest, waist, hip, thigh, calf.... I lost half an inch on each of these body parts (except for my chest... haha.... time to buy a new bra)....
Then I took hold of the machine that measures the amount of body fat in your body. I don't know how it works, but last time I took the measurement in October, it measured 22.3% body fat. It seemed rather high for me, I must say. So, yesterday I did the same thing. I haven't grown taller at all, and my weight was the same. It measured 20.6% body fat. I was so surprised to see that. I honestly feel larger. That's the ana part of me taking though.
Oh how I wish I had the will power to be ana again. Food is just so blah lately, so I'm going on a really restrictive week soon. Hopefully I can fall into some sort of non-eating rut.
I'm so tired, so that last sentence probably sounded really stupid. I need sleep now.
Goodnight,
Anabelle :-)
Then I took hold of the machine that measures the amount of body fat in your body. I don't know how it works, but last time I took the measurement in October, it measured 22.3% body fat. It seemed rather high for me, I must say. So, yesterday I did the same thing. I haven't grown taller at all, and my weight was the same. It measured 20.6% body fat. I was so surprised to see that. I honestly feel larger. That's the ana part of me taking though.
Oh how I wish I had the will power to be ana again. Food is just so blah lately, so I'm going on a really restrictive week soon. Hopefully I can fall into some sort of non-eating rut.
I'm so tired, so that last sentence probably sounded really stupid. I need sleep now.
Goodnight,
Anabelle :-)
Sunday, December 6, 2009
New, Revised set of goals...
I need goals for myself. I need a goal for when I'm 115lbs. I'm pretty much there, but getting rewarded will make me feel better.
So, I find it rather ironic that I'm going to write a paper about how bad eating disorders are for my health class. Yes, it's hypocritical, but I don't care.
It's so crazy how much I haven't been on my Blogger and Twitter accoiunts, but yet I go on Facebook religiously.... I think it's the fact that none of my friends know I have the Blogger and Twitter, and I'm not really sure I want them to know. Most of my friends don't know about how crazy I am about food, and the ones that knew about it, I don't have anymore.
See, when I'm restricting, I become so obsessive that I can't think or talk or anything. Just adding... And my other friend was bulimic, so I could talk to her about this kind of stuff. I hated when she talked to me about it because she was my best friend and I didn't want her doing this to herself, so therefore, all talking about food has ceased for now.
I honestly forgot the point of this blog... I'll plan these out more in the future, i'm just rather scatterbrained today. Restrictions are becoming more and more controlled. 110 by my birthday... here we go...
Ana
So, I find it rather ironic that I'm going to write a paper about how bad eating disorders are for my health class. Yes, it's hypocritical, but I don't care.
It's so crazy how much I haven't been on my Blogger and Twitter accoiunts, but yet I go on Facebook religiously.... I think it's the fact that none of my friends know I have the Blogger and Twitter, and I'm not really sure I want them to know. Most of my friends don't know about how crazy I am about food, and the ones that knew about it, I don't have anymore.
See, when I'm restricting, I become so obsessive that I can't think or talk or anything. Just adding... And my other friend was bulimic, so I could talk to her about this kind of stuff. I hated when she talked to me about it because she was my best friend and I didn't want her doing this to herself, so therefore, all talking about food has ceased for now.
I honestly forgot the point of this blog... I'll plan these out more in the future, i'm just rather scatterbrained today. Restrictions are becoming more and more controlled. 110 by my birthday... here we go...
Ana
Sunday, November 29, 2009
My Worst Enemy
Thanks-freaking-giving.
National Get-Fat day.
aaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggg!
I couldn't stop.
Luckily, my whole family is going on a diet (due to medical reasons...)....So, therefore, all of my foods that I eat out of inpulse are now completely gone..
Hallelujah!
Ugh, my birthday is coming up.
Goal: I want to weight at most 110 pounds on my birthday. Oh, that gives me about, hmm... 25 days. That's totally DO-ABLE. I could probably get down to 110 by next week.
I almost want to do it differently this time. I want to sort of taper my eating down until I get to about 200-300 cals a day, instead of just completely stopping eating. I just go in a huge cycle of restricting, starving, stuffing my face, purging, then not getting back into restricting until i get up to 120 lbs again. Fuck that.
Clearly that plan doesn't work for me.
So, we shall try it differently this time.
Did I mention I was single now? Well....sadly, I am. Awful.
But I don't have him watching me like a hawk all the time now, so we'll see what happens.
Anyways, Calculus calls...ugh
Much Love,
Ana
National Get-Fat day.
aaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggg!
I couldn't stop.
Luckily, my whole family is going on a diet (due to medical reasons...)....So, therefore, all of my foods that I eat out of inpulse are now completely gone..
Hallelujah!
Ugh, my birthday is coming up.
Goal: I want to weight at most 110 pounds on my birthday. Oh, that gives me about, hmm... 25 days. That's totally DO-ABLE. I could probably get down to 110 by next week.
I almost want to do it differently this time. I want to sort of taper my eating down until I get to about 200-300 cals a day, instead of just completely stopping eating. I just go in a huge cycle of restricting, starving, stuffing my face, purging, then not getting back into restricting until i get up to 120 lbs again. Fuck that.
Clearly that plan doesn't work for me.
So, we shall try it differently this time.
Did I mention I was single now? Well....sadly, I am. Awful.
But I don't have him watching me like a hawk all the time now, so we'll see what happens.
Anyways, Calculus calls...ugh
Much Love,
Ana
Sunday, November 15, 2009
ByTheWay...
I hate when I'm depressed.
I eat when I'm depressed.
Current weight: 123.0 lbs.
No good....
Note to self: Scale does not calibrate my weight with shoes on... time to unlace the Chuck Taylors...
I eat when I'm depressed.
Current weight: 123.0 lbs.
No good....
Note to self: Scale does not calibrate my weight with shoes on... time to unlace the Chuck Taylors...
A little hiatus...
from blogging never means anything good.
I am single (for good this time).
I am never drinking again (for good this time).
I am going to restrict until I hit 105 pounds (for good this time).
I could really use some cheering up. It's definitely been a hard couple of weeks. Hopefully I will now get a chance to start completely new, with everything. I have drained all of the toxic people from my life, and I am starting fresh. It's kind of quiet starting fresh. My phone rings less at night. It's peaceful. I am making new friends, and that makes me happy. I lost my best friend though, and I really don't know how to replace her. Well, I guess I technically cannot replace her, but I want to fill the void in my life that her friendship once filled. Maybe I'll write a book. A book can be my friend. Wow, that doesn't sound crazy at all, lol. I don't know. It's so hard. It's so hard opening up to new people. I kind of don't want to open up to new people. I've had such a dark past, and I feel like it'd be nice if they didn't know anything about that stuff. But I also feel like I SHOULD tell them because all the dark stuff that I've been through has made me the way that I am now.
Oh decisions...
I should blog more. I don't think people read my blogs anymore though, haha.
Okay, task. If you read this blog... or if you even come on my page, leave me a message below, just sayin Hi or anything. It'll just make me feel like I'm not just talking to myself here. ha
I promise less depressing blogs in the future.
Much love,
Anabelle
I am single (for good this time).
I am never drinking again (for good this time).
I am going to restrict until I hit 105 pounds (for good this time).
I could really use some cheering up. It's definitely been a hard couple of weeks. Hopefully I will now get a chance to start completely new, with everything. I have drained all of the toxic people from my life, and I am starting fresh. It's kind of quiet starting fresh. My phone rings less at night. It's peaceful. I am making new friends, and that makes me happy. I lost my best friend though, and I really don't know how to replace her. Well, I guess I technically cannot replace her, but I want to fill the void in my life that her friendship once filled. Maybe I'll write a book. A book can be my friend. Wow, that doesn't sound crazy at all, lol. I don't know. It's so hard. It's so hard opening up to new people. I kind of don't want to open up to new people. I've had such a dark past, and I feel like it'd be nice if they didn't know anything about that stuff. But I also feel like I SHOULD tell them because all the dark stuff that I've been through has made me the way that I am now.
Oh decisions...
I should blog more. I don't think people read my blogs anymore though, haha.
Okay, task. If you read this blog... or if you even come on my page, leave me a message below, just sayin Hi or anything. It'll just make me feel like I'm not just talking to myself here. ha
I promise less depressing blogs in the future.
Much love,
Anabelle
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
ugh
So, today was an alright day thus far. I had a donut this morning :-(. When i came home after school I found my lunch bag that I forgot to bring with me to school. I ate all the contents of it, plus a bag of chips.
Then the guilt set in. I don't purge too often. I was more of the laxatives type girl. But I felt really guilty, and full, so I went to the bathroom, and vomited. I then began to feel guilty that I vomited.
Oh the endless cycle.
So, no more calories. I need to exhibit some self control. I can't stand vomiting! I am horrible at making myself puke, so I always make loud noises and that nasty heaving noise. Yuck. No more! I haven't puked since...oh, maybe, since May-ish. So it's been a while.
Oh well, I'm gonna pop a few diet pills into my pocket before I go to work. It's easy controling my appetite there, but when I get home I always tend to binge. No more.
WEIGHT TODAY: 115.6lbs= 52.4kg
ah, I'll take it. I want that number to be lower by the weekend. Restricting starts now.
Hope all is well! :-)
Love,
Anabelle~
Then the guilt set in. I don't purge too often. I was more of the laxatives type girl. But I felt really guilty, and full, so I went to the bathroom, and vomited. I then began to feel guilty that I vomited.
Oh the endless cycle.
So, no more calories. I need to exhibit some self control. I can't stand vomiting! I am horrible at making myself puke, so I always make loud noises and that nasty heaving noise. Yuck. No more! I haven't puked since...oh, maybe, since May-ish. So it's been a while.
Oh well, I'm gonna pop a few diet pills into my pocket before I go to work. It's easy controling my appetite there, but when I get home I always tend to binge. No more.
WEIGHT TODAY: 115.6lbs= 52.4kg
ah, I'll take it. I want that number to be lower by the weekend. Restricting starts now.
Hope all is well! :-)
Love,
Anabelle~
Crazy society...
So, I'm sitting in the physics lab with my laptop. It's rather boring and I'm dreading going to Body Conditioning. There are 8th graders touring the college today. That just makes me sad. They're really trying to recruit early. I mean, most of these students have no inkling as to what they want to be when they ''grow up''...
When I was in 8th grade, I wanted to be an astronomer. I was all nerdy and such. Now, well, I'm still nerdy, but I'm going to school to be a pharmacist. They have no common denominator at all, which is exactly my point.
Wouldn't it be more effective to have tours for students closer to graduation. 8th graders? really?
wow..
anyways, yesterday was good. I only hit about 400 calories, so it was a good day.
today, on the other hand, I've already hit about 300, and it's not even noon yet. I have my diet pills at my side, so hopefully it should be an okay day. I'm dead tired.
I should be doing homework.
I might blog again tonight, we will see how late i get off work today.
Love,
Anabelle
When I was in 8th grade, I wanted to be an astronomer. I was all nerdy and such. Now, well, I'm still nerdy, but I'm going to school to be a pharmacist. They have no common denominator at all, which is exactly my point.
Wouldn't it be more effective to have tours for students closer to graduation. 8th graders? really?
wow..
anyways, yesterday was good. I only hit about 400 calories, so it was a good day.
today, on the other hand, I've already hit about 300, and it's not even noon yet. I have my diet pills at my side, so hopefully it should be an okay day. I'm dead tired.
I should be doing homework.
I might blog again tonight, we will see how late i get off work today.
Love,
Anabelle
Sunday, October 25, 2009
ahhh!!!!
It has been so long since I've been on here. Approximately 17 days. Well, I have come on here, I just haven't posted anything since October 8th. I've been very ADD lately, so I haven't been able to concentrate long enough to sit down and just write. I did TRY to write a new blog, but I had to leave, and I forgot to press the save button.
ANYWAYS, {updates}
1. I am back with my man again. Things are really different this time. I'm grateful he took me back. It's nice.
2. I've been working about 30 hours a week, and going to school full time. It's exhausting!
3. I started my Body Conditioning class, so I am exercising a lot more than I used to. Makes he happy because now I can start losing some more weight.
4. Having trouble restricting. Since I live with my parents, I can't control fully what is bought at the grocery store. But my parents told me last night that today, Sunday, is the last day of junk food. They are going on a diet, so, therefore, I am indirectly going on a diet as well. It made me smile on the inside.
5. In my Body Conditioning class, it said my BMI was 21. I don't like that number. Let's change it. 20 sounds better. 19...better yet.
6. Well, I'm not sure what else to say... oh! I failed my first college test! It was an awful fail too. Like 53%. Oh well. I can drop one test grade off of the final grade in Calculus. Kinda sucks I failed so early in the year though. I was doing really well, until last week. ha
ANYWAYS {weekly goals}
Since it is Sunday, I think it would be good to write down a set of rules for myself to abide by for the week.
1. I must park my car in the farthest parking space away from the college. I need to walk more. Burn more calories.
2. Drink more water whenever I feel hungry.
3. Take vitamins every day.
4. Restrict calories. Maximum: 500 calories/day.
Doable....I think yes.
ANYWAYS,
Thank you for following my blog everyone. I promise to participate more in it. Crazy few weeks. It'll be easier now.
Well, I should go. Have one more English assignment to do for tonight. I still need ana buddies! MSN: meg_cheerness_09@hotmail.com
Always,
Anabelle <3
ANYWAYS, {updates}
1. I am back with my man again. Things are really different this time. I'm grateful he took me back. It's nice.
2. I've been working about 30 hours a week, and going to school full time. It's exhausting!
3. I started my Body Conditioning class, so I am exercising a lot more than I used to. Makes he happy because now I can start losing some more weight.
4. Having trouble restricting. Since I live with my parents, I can't control fully what is bought at the grocery store. But my parents told me last night that today, Sunday, is the last day of junk food. They are going on a diet, so, therefore, I am indirectly going on a diet as well. It made me smile on the inside.
5. In my Body Conditioning class, it said my BMI was 21. I don't like that number. Let's change it. 20 sounds better. 19...better yet.
6. Well, I'm not sure what else to say... oh! I failed my first college test! It was an awful fail too. Like 53%. Oh well. I can drop one test grade off of the final grade in Calculus. Kinda sucks I failed so early in the year though. I was doing really well, until last week. ha
ANYWAYS {weekly goals}
Since it is Sunday, I think it would be good to write down a set of rules for myself to abide by for the week.
1. I must park my car in the farthest parking space away from the college. I need to walk more. Burn more calories.
2. Drink more water whenever I feel hungry.
3. Take vitamins every day.
4. Restrict calories. Maximum: 500 calories/day.
Doable....I think yes.
ANYWAYS,
Thank you for following my blog everyone. I promise to participate more in it. Crazy few weeks. It'll be easier now.
Well, I should go. Have one more English assignment to do for tonight. I still need ana buddies! MSN: meg_cheerness_09@hotmail.com
Always,
Anabelle <3
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Oh, I've finally found the motivation...
I was going to tell you the motivation, but I completely forgot. Okay, I have two different topics to talk about in this blog.
First topic: Restrictions are starting again. Binging is over with. I will not be happy until I'm under 110 pounds. I'm determined now. I miss my old willpower. I used to be able to go 6 or 7 days without eating a thing. Now I'd be lucky if i make it 6 or 7 hours. Restricting is starting tomorrow. So hopefully I will be able to stick to it. I realized I can't do that whole 2468 thing. If i restrict, I need 0 calories, otherwise I will binge. 0 calories tomorrow. Determined. Now.
Second topic: I did physical fitness evaluations for my health class yesterday. I'm so sore today. Which means, I need to start finding time to exercise again. My body conditioning class starts on october 19th though, so that should help.
I'm so sick lately. That'll give me the excuse to not eat, but I won't be sick forever, so I gotta start thinking up more excuses.
Hope all is well!,
Anabelle~
First topic: Restrictions are starting again. Binging is over with. I will not be happy until I'm under 110 pounds. I'm determined now. I miss my old willpower. I used to be able to go 6 or 7 days without eating a thing. Now I'd be lucky if i make it 6 or 7 hours. Restricting is starting tomorrow. So hopefully I will be able to stick to it. I realized I can't do that whole 2468 thing. If i restrict, I need 0 calories, otherwise I will binge. 0 calories tomorrow. Determined. Now.
Second topic: I did physical fitness evaluations for my health class yesterday. I'm so sore today. Which means, I need to start finding time to exercise again. My body conditioning class starts on october 19th though, so that should help.
I'm so sick lately. That'll give me the excuse to not eat, but I won't be sick forever, so I gotta start thinking up more excuses.
Hope all is well!,
Anabelle~
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Newly Single....
wow, haven't felt like this in eight years. sad day
I have been binging all week. It's no good. I'm hoping when all this emotional stress and sadness goes away I will be able to focus quite a bit more. Still under 120 pounds, so it's all good.
I am planning on getting a tattoo soon. I want the words "turn wounds into wisdom" in some sort of fancy lettering. i've been trying to decipher that phrase all day. I have come to the conclusion that 'wounds' doesn't have to represent just physical wounds. (which they will represent that somewhat, since I spent a third of my life as a cutter) I'm thinking it will also stand for emotional wounds. Like the wounds when people told me I was too big, or when they told me i was never good enough. The wounds that are ripped wide open by the only person I have ever loved and lost. The wounds of all the fights (like yelling, not fists) that have left me so hurt and downtrodden. And all that combined has turned me into some crazy strong incredibly powerful young woman.
wow, life sucked so much, but it's so weird that considering how much it sucked back then it turned to be so incredibly good now. well, despite my recent singleness...
Well, I should go to bed. I took some Benadryl for my allergies and i'm incredibly sleepy now.
Goodnight to you all, and thanks for following me, love you guys!
Ana~
I have been binging all week. It's no good. I'm hoping when all this emotional stress and sadness goes away I will be able to focus quite a bit more. Still under 120 pounds, so it's all good.
I am planning on getting a tattoo soon. I want the words "turn wounds into wisdom" in some sort of fancy lettering. i've been trying to decipher that phrase all day. I have come to the conclusion that 'wounds' doesn't have to represent just physical wounds. (which they will represent that somewhat, since I spent a third of my life as a cutter) I'm thinking it will also stand for emotional wounds. Like the wounds when people told me I was too big, or when they told me i was never good enough. The wounds that are ripped wide open by the only person I have ever loved and lost. The wounds of all the fights (like yelling, not fists) that have left me so hurt and downtrodden. And all that combined has turned me into some crazy strong incredibly powerful young woman.
wow, life sucked so much, but it's so weird that considering how much it sucked back then it turned to be so incredibly good now. well, despite my recent singleness...
Well, I should go to bed. I took some Benadryl for my allergies and i'm incredibly sleepy now.
Goodnight to you all, and thanks for following me, love you guys!
Ana~
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Can we survive this Avalanche?
I just bought the Marie Digby cd. Love it! Also bought the Lady Gaga cd (FINALLY) and the Owl City cd. Bought a jacket today too! Oh, it's so cute! Ha, as I was walking out the store the store alarm started going off. They kept that thing on there that makes the censors go off. Anyways, they gave me two coupons for the store. Score.
So, having trouble getting back into my calorie restricting. Feeling a little sick today. Ha, I actually bought a whole bag of assorted chocolate for trick-or-treater's. I'm going to eat it all.
Oh! Just weighed myself. hmm...after a week of binging... 119 pounds. I can work with that. It's a rather surprising number though. Thought I'd be closer to 130....
Okay, more boy drama.
I know I'm the most hypocritical person in the world, I know. Okay, so this weekend it was my boyfriend's old high school's homecoming. He decided he was going to go to the game, then crash the dance to see his high school friends. Whatever. He can do whatever he wants. I didn't go with. I went to a party last night. So anyways, he texts me saying that he's dancing with some random girl. Am I allowed to be jealous? after all I've put him though? Anyways, he's being a little crabby monster today. I can't even talk to him without sounding like the biggest bitch in the world. He was saying that he's going to start taking more shifts at work to make some more money, and I guess I reacted wrongly. I just said "great." I don't care. He asked what was wrong with me and what's with the attitude. ugh. I have no attitude. I just get really frustrated with boys. I should date girls. I would, but honestly, I don't think girls would be any better...
Thinking about taking a break from him for awhile. I'll give us both some time to think about things. I'm independent, and he doesn't like that. Wow, can't believe he put up with all my shit for eight years. ugh.
That's just it. Eight years. Eight fucking years. Gone. If we break up it'll be like we just wasted eight years.
I feel crazy
feel crazy
crazy
crazy
Love,
Anabelle
So, having trouble getting back into my calorie restricting. Feeling a little sick today. Ha, I actually bought a whole bag of assorted chocolate for trick-or-treater's. I'm going to eat it all.
Oh! Just weighed myself. hmm...after a week of binging... 119 pounds. I can work with that. It's a rather surprising number though. Thought I'd be closer to 130....
Okay, more boy drama.
I know I'm the most hypocritical person in the world, I know. Okay, so this weekend it was my boyfriend's old high school's homecoming. He decided he was going to go to the game, then crash the dance to see his high school friends. Whatever. He can do whatever he wants. I didn't go with. I went to a party last night. So anyways, he texts me saying that he's dancing with some random girl. Am I allowed to be jealous? after all I've put him though? Anyways, he's being a little crabby monster today. I can't even talk to him without sounding like the biggest bitch in the world. He was saying that he's going to start taking more shifts at work to make some more money, and I guess I reacted wrongly. I just said "great." I don't care. He asked what was wrong with me and what's with the attitude. ugh. I have no attitude. I just get really frustrated with boys. I should date girls. I would, but honestly, I don't think girls would be any better...
Thinking about taking a break from him for awhile. I'll give us both some time to think about things. I'm independent, and he doesn't like that. Wow, can't believe he put up with all my shit for eight years. ugh.
That's just it. Eight years. Eight fucking years. Gone. If we break up it'll be like we just wasted eight years.
I feel crazy
feel crazy
crazy
crazy
Love,
Anabelle
Thursday, October 1, 2009
oh...
And I have been meaning to say...
Thank you to all that are following my blog.
Hope you are all well :-)
Thank you to all that are following my blog.
Hope you are all well :-)
An Update
Well, I have taken a few days off. To clarify that... I shut off my phone since last saturday, took a break from blogging, twitter, facebook, all of usual sites I go on religiously. More importantly, I took a break from my restricting.
Let's talk about this for a bit...
I'm so used to getting fucked over. I'm always the girl who gets used, and...cheated on. I've never been that person. I've never fucked up like this before. So, I'm not sure what to do. I dunno. We're working on things, but I honestly can't bear to see his face. I hate being the reason for causing someone else pain. He doesn't deserve pain like this, from anyone. Especially me.
I haven't restricted any calories in about a week. Saturday... Almost a week. I'm afraid to step on the scale. I won't get a chance to check until tomorrow morning. Might check after class tomorrow though. I don't want to ruin the day by knowing how much weight I have gained in the past week. I'll be rather satisfied if it is less than 125 pounds. I'm sure my weight is less than that, but we'll see.
Question: What tricks do you guys use when it comes to weighing yourselves? Personally, I make sure I'm wearing heavier clothes, so I can trick myself into thinking that I weigh more than I actually do. Therefore, I have more initiative to restrict.
I'm reading this book. "Identical" by Ellen Hopkins. It's kind of neat (in a sick and twisted sort of way). It's really hitting me hard. I don't even know why. When I read it, sometimes I have to put it down for a couple hours because it gets so intense. It's VERY intense. I highlighted this in the book, I thought it was interesting...
"It's probably weird to think about an addiction like it's a sentient being, but that's how it feels. Like it's something living inside you. Something you can't get rid of because killing it means killing you. I can't really understand addictions to drugs or alocohol. Things that control you. But an eating disorder is an addiction you can control. Wait, is that paradoxical? I prefer to believe not." (from Identical by Ellen Hopkins. pg. 138)
Didn't go to any classes today. Mental health day. Definitely needed it. I feel a lot better now. Hopefully everyone else is doing well! I'll be blogging more now that I'm done being crazy. ha.
Much Love,
Anabelle~
Let's talk about this for a bit...
I'm so used to getting fucked over. I'm always the girl who gets used, and...cheated on. I've never been that person. I've never fucked up like this before. So, I'm not sure what to do. I dunno. We're working on things, but I honestly can't bear to see his face. I hate being the reason for causing someone else pain. He doesn't deserve pain like this, from anyone. Especially me.
I haven't restricted any calories in about a week. Saturday... Almost a week. I'm afraid to step on the scale. I won't get a chance to check until tomorrow morning. Might check after class tomorrow though. I don't want to ruin the day by knowing how much weight I have gained in the past week. I'll be rather satisfied if it is less than 125 pounds. I'm sure my weight is less than that, but we'll see.
Question: What tricks do you guys use when it comes to weighing yourselves? Personally, I make sure I'm wearing heavier clothes, so I can trick myself into thinking that I weigh more than I actually do. Therefore, I have more initiative to restrict.
I'm reading this book. "Identical" by Ellen Hopkins. It's kind of neat (in a sick and twisted sort of way). It's really hitting me hard. I don't even know why. When I read it, sometimes I have to put it down for a couple hours because it gets so intense. It's VERY intense. I highlighted this in the book, I thought it was interesting...
"It's probably weird to think about an addiction like it's a sentient being, but that's how it feels. Like it's something living inside you. Something you can't get rid of because killing it means killing you. I can't really understand addictions to drugs or alocohol. Things that control you. But an eating disorder is an addiction you can control. Wait, is that paradoxical? I prefer to believe not." (from Identical by Ellen Hopkins. pg. 138)
Didn't go to any classes today. Mental health day. Definitely needed it. I feel a lot better now. Hopefully everyone else is doing well! I'll be blogging more now that I'm done being crazy. ha.
Much Love,
Anabelle~
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Friday, September 25, 2009
Thursday, September 24, 2009
ouchie!
So, I'm gauging my ears, and it's going pretty well. Still pretty small, but whatever. The lobes are 8 gauge, and I'm starting to gauge my cartiledge. I put 14's in them. bad idea. They didn't feel too bad yesterday, but today they kill. Took the 14's out. I'm Neosporin-ing them as we speak.
Ugh, all the laxatives I used to take kind of messed up my...erm....system. Now like right when i eat something, i immediately have to go to the bathroom. not vomit, but, uh, other end. ha. i ate about 600 calories today, but they don't stay in my system for like more than a couple hours.
yesterday sucked, but things got better...
hope all is well!
Anabelle :-)
Ugh, all the laxatives I used to take kind of messed up my...erm....system. Now like right when i eat something, i immediately have to go to the bathroom. not vomit, but, uh, other end. ha. i ate about 600 calories today, but they don't stay in my system for like more than a couple hours.
yesterday sucked, but things got better...
hope all is well!
Anabelle :-)
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
hi
I won't be posting anything tonight. I'm super depressed and I just want to go to bed early tonight. I want to get this day over with as soon as possible.
eating wise, I am doing very well. no food at all today. If i stay depressed like this, I'll never be able to eat again. ugh
sorry, I'm normally not like this. I normally just get over it, but I did something i should not have done today, and I'm just waiting for the consequences. checking my myspace obsessively... panic attacks today. anxiety. waiting. i. hate. this.
Talk to you tomorrow,
Anabelle :-(
eating wise, I am doing very well. no food at all today. If i stay depressed like this, I'll never be able to eat again. ugh
sorry, I'm normally not like this. I normally just get over it, but I did something i should not have done today, and I'm just waiting for the consequences. checking my myspace obsessively... panic attacks today. anxiety. waiting. i. hate. this.
Talk to you tomorrow,
Anabelle :-(
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ... (sound of his text messages)
Is it bad that I'm really annoyed with my fiance?
He's just really getting on my nerves lately.
He'll say "what's wrong?"
I'll be like "Nothing, I promise you."
He'll say "I just feel like there is something wrong."
I think... There WILL be something wrong if you don't just drop it.
Gosh, I just feel like such an asshole, but I dunno. The thought of marriage is kind of freaking me out right now.
Oh, monogamy.
I should call him or something. Assure him that I'm still alive.
He's just really getting on my nerves lately.
He'll say "what's wrong?"
I'll be like "Nothing, I promise you."
He'll say "I just feel like there is something wrong."
I think... There WILL be something wrong if you don't just drop it.
Gosh, I just feel like such an asshole, but I dunno. The thought of marriage is kind of freaking me out right now.
Oh, monogamy.
I should call him or something. Assure him that I'm still alive.
I now remember why I hate my job...
My boss is the biggest asshole in the world.
Oh well.
Today was okay. I didn't really eat anything. At most I ate about 200 calories. I did have an energy drink, though. I'm sure that was about 300 calories, but whatever. (Secretly, I never count calories from drinks.)
Not failing any classes yet. Got a B on my Chemistry test, and I have an A in Calculus (surprisingly!).
I was going to plan what I was going to talk about in this blog, but that definitely didn't happen. I will have a post with actual substance one of these days.
My weight hasn't budged. Kind of angers me a little, but I haven't been exercising at all. I work tomorrow, but I have Thursday, Friday, and Saturday off, so I will be working out quite vigorously. I need some sort of proof that my semi-fasting is working.
Weight today: 118-119
Goal by weekend: 115.
Am I capable of that?
Hell yes.
I'm going to read some blogs now. Ttyl,
Anabelle
Oh well.
Today was okay. I didn't really eat anything. At most I ate about 200 calories. I did have an energy drink, though. I'm sure that was about 300 calories, but whatever. (Secretly, I never count calories from drinks.)
Not failing any classes yet. Got a B on my Chemistry test, and I have an A in Calculus (surprisingly!).
I was going to plan what I was going to talk about in this blog, but that definitely didn't happen. I will have a post with actual substance one of these days.
My weight hasn't budged. Kind of angers me a little, but I haven't been exercising at all. I work tomorrow, but I have Thursday, Friday, and Saturday off, so I will be working out quite vigorously. I need some sort of proof that my semi-fasting is working.
Weight today: 118-119
Goal by weekend: 115.
Am I capable of that?
Hell yes.
I'm going to read some blogs now. Ttyl,
Anabelle
Monday, September 21, 2009
well
today started out promising. I ended up with about 380 calories up until about 9:30 this evening. All those calories were from beverages though, so it was pretty great. I bought some protein shakes. They were disgusting, but they kept me from getting hungry all day.
I'm lactose intolerant, so i can't really eat dairy too much. I thought I would be able to drink the shakes without a problem, but I guess not. Oh, i went to work.... and ended up in the bathroom... and I don't wanna talk about what happened in said bathroom.
Anyways, I got home from work. and BAM. I saw Doritos. And normally I don't like Doritos, but there was the cheesy dip stuff too. Oh, orgasm! Anyways, I ruined the day. Ha. I'm sure I'm still under 800 calories, so today wasn't a complete tragedy, but I only wanted 400 calories or less. I'm going to try again tomorrow. I have to find a strategy to taking the diet pills at the right time so I won't binge. I always have trouble with the first two or three days when I'm restricting calories. Once I get past day three, it's smooth sailing. So, I just need the diet pills until I can make it past day three.
Let's hope that theory works. Anyways. I better go. I never sleep anymore, so I took a sleeping pill. Should be kicking in soon.
I'm always looking for new ana buddies! ana.belle.mia@live.com <~MSN.... link to Twitter in sidebar.
Goodnight and good luck to all,
Anabelle :-)
I'm lactose intolerant, so i can't really eat dairy too much. I thought I would be able to drink the shakes without a problem, but I guess not. Oh, i went to work.... and ended up in the bathroom... and I don't wanna talk about what happened in said bathroom.
Anyways, I got home from work. and BAM. I saw Doritos. And normally I don't like Doritos, but there was the cheesy dip stuff too. Oh, orgasm! Anyways, I ruined the day. Ha. I'm sure I'm still under 800 calories, so today wasn't a complete tragedy, but I only wanted 400 calories or less. I'm going to try again tomorrow. I have to find a strategy to taking the diet pills at the right time so I won't binge. I always have trouble with the first two or three days when I'm restricting calories. Once I get past day three, it's smooth sailing. So, I just need the diet pills until I can make it past day three.
Let's hope that theory works. Anyways. I better go. I never sleep anymore, so I took a sleeping pill. Should be kicking in soon.
I'm always looking for new ana buddies! ana.belle.mia@live.com <~MSN.... link to Twitter in sidebar.
Goodnight and good luck to all,
Anabelle :-)
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Goals...
Well, I guess I never said what I want my goal weight to be.
I started off at 140 lbs.
I'm now hovering between 114-120
I want 105. Very badly.
I'm five foot two. I can't pull off this 120 pound look off anymore.
I have a really skinny waist and everything.
I just have a very large...umm...bust...haha.
I'll keep you posted. I hope to get down to 105 by the end of the year.
That seems manageable (is that even how you spell it?) right?
Anyways, I need sleep.
Night, Anabelle :-)
I started off at 140 lbs.
I'm now hovering between 114-120
I want 105. Very badly.
I'm five foot two. I can't pull off this 120 pound look off anymore.
I have a really skinny waist and everything.
I just have a very large...umm...bust...haha.
I'll keep you posted. I hope to get down to 105 by the end of the year.
That seems manageable (is that even how you spell it?) right?
Anyways, I need sleep.
Night, Anabelle :-)
ohmygosh...
I'M SO COLD!
I went to a wedding yesterday. Ugh. Completely screwed up my eating schedule. The schedule is resuming tomorrow, thankfully. I work tomorrow, Tuesday, and Wednesday... So not being at home all day will definitely get me back on track and on schedule.
So, is it bad to accidently have little tiny crush on someone else while you are engaged? As long as I don't act on the temptation, I should be fine, right? Gosh. My co-worker is single now, and he's so incredibly sexy. Like, when I first started working there, he said my name, and I almost peed my pants.... No joke, that's how sexy he is. Anyways, my parents are going out of town for the weekend next week, and he wants to know if I'm throwing a party. Oh, gosh, tempting. I told him I'd let him know. He said that even if I don't have a party that I should get together with him. oh, bad bad bad temptations. no no no no no no no. I have my man. no straying! ugh.
anyways. I wrote a essay about eating disorders for my English class. Ha. I'm the biggest procrastinator. I had two weeks to do it. It was due today at midnight. I started at nine. haha. Submitted it to the teacher about twenty minutes ago. It's a good night.
So, wish me luck tomorrow. I definitely need it. I'm getting super stressed, and I really don't want to get off my strict eating schedule any more than I already have. haha.
Follow me on Twitter! ha. I only have like seven followers, so, yeah. Pretty please? :-)
I gotta go find my phone. I'm sure my guy is freaking out. He freaks out if we're not talking every second of the day that we're not with each other. It's been like two hours since I checked my phone. I'm sure he's throughly pissed.
Goodnight for now,
Anabelle
I went to a wedding yesterday. Ugh. Completely screwed up my eating schedule. The schedule is resuming tomorrow, thankfully. I work tomorrow, Tuesday, and Wednesday... So not being at home all day will definitely get me back on track and on schedule.
So, is it bad to accidently have little tiny crush on someone else while you are engaged? As long as I don't act on the temptation, I should be fine, right? Gosh. My co-worker is single now, and he's so incredibly sexy. Like, when I first started working there, he said my name, and I almost peed my pants.... No joke, that's how sexy he is. Anyways, my parents are going out of town for the weekend next week, and he wants to know if I'm throwing a party. Oh, gosh, tempting. I told him I'd let him know. He said that even if I don't have a party that I should get together with him. oh, bad bad bad temptations. no no no no no no no. I have my man. no straying! ugh.
anyways. I wrote a essay about eating disorders for my English class. Ha. I'm the biggest procrastinator. I had two weeks to do it. It was due today at midnight. I started at nine. haha. Submitted it to the teacher about twenty minutes ago. It's a good night.
So, wish me luck tomorrow. I definitely need it. I'm getting super stressed, and I really don't want to get off my strict eating schedule any more than I already have. haha.
Follow me on Twitter! ha. I only have like seven followers, so, yeah. Pretty please? :-)
I gotta go find my phone. I'm sure my guy is freaking out. He freaks out if we're not talking every second of the day that we're not with each other. It's been like two hours since I checked my phone. I'm sure he's throughly pissed.
Goodnight for now,
Anabelle
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Good day...
Today has been a fairly good day. I got a B on my Calculus test. Could be better, but I'll take it. No food at all today. Not even gum. It feels very very good. Took one diet pill this morning, and I'm going to take one tonight, an hour before work ends. So, hopefully it will supress my appetite a little more after I get off work. I don't want to binge anymore. It just bugs me. I'm thinking that on my binge days (Saturdays...hmm...might change that to Sundays.) I'll only have about 500-700 calories, so it will be less hard for me to get back into the swing of things the next day.
ah, I have to leave for work in like 20 minutes.
I've been thinking about trying to start running again. This woman came into my health class today and she talked about how she went from being completely unathletic, to running the Disney marathon. Now, it's not like I want to go running any marathons, I just want to try to start getting back into shape. Now that I graduated from high school, and there are no dance classes for me to take around here (except for clogging with 80 year olds...I'll pass), I need to find a new option to help me stay in shape. Plus, jogging burns a lot of calories. Wish me luck!
Well, I better get ready for work. I've been drinking tons of water, so I pee so many times a day. It's crazy. Anyways,
Love,
Anabelle
ah, I have to leave for work in like 20 minutes.
I've been thinking about trying to start running again. This woman came into my health class today and she talked about how she went from being completely unathletic, to running the Disney marathon. Now, it's not like I want to go running any marathons, I just want to try to start getting back into shape. Now that I graduated from high school, and there are no dance classes for me to take around here (except for clogging with 80 year olds...I'll pass), I need to find a new option to help me stay in shape. Plus, jogging burns a lot of calories. Wish me luck!
Well, I better get ready for work. I've been drinking tons of water, so I pee so many times a day. It's crazy. Anyways,
Love,
Anabelle
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Today...
Today is a good day thus far.
Only had about 500 calories today, and I'm going to work in a little over an hour. I'm sure I'll work most of that off tonight. I'm restricting my calories, finally. Yesterday was a bad day. Over 1000 calories. But today, I feel like I'm gaining some control. Going to talk to my old counselor today before I have to go coach, hopefully.
I slept very well last night. I went to my old dance studio last night, and they let me join the hip hop class for the day. It felt good to dance again. I've lost a lot of muscle definition, so I'm a little sore today, but, sore is good. I need to start working out again. I just get home around 10 every night after work, and that just seems too late to work out. Plus, I have tons of homework. oh well, I can do sit ups while doing calculus.
My classes got done early today :-), So, hopefully work goes well too. My boss is kind of psycho. Anyways,
Best of luck,
Anabelle
Only had about 500 calories today, and I'm going to work in a little over an hour. I'm sure I'll work most of that off tonight. I'm restricting my calories, finally. Yesterday was a bad day. Over 1000 calories. But today, I feel like I'm gaining some control. Going to talk to my old counselor today before I have to go coach, hopefully.
I slept very well last night. I went to my old dance studio last night, and they let me join the hip hop class for the day. It felt good to dance again. I've lost a lot of muscle definition, so I'm a little sore today, but, sore is good. I need to start working out again. I just get home around 10 every night after work, and that just seems too late to work out. Plus, I have tons of homework. oh well, I can do sit ups while doing calculus.
My classes got done early today :-), So, hopefully work goes well too. My boss is kind of psycho. Anyways,
Best of luck,
Anabelle
Monday, September 14, 2009
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Twitter...
Hey, Follow me on Twitter. Deleted my old account. Made a new one. Good times. Link to follow on the right hand sidebar. otherwise, my username is ana_belle_mia.
okay, this really is goodnight.
Love,
Anabelle
okay, this really is goodnight.
Love,
Anabelle
New Post...
Okay, so not eating wise...
My life is starting to turn around. I'm doing fairly well in college. I need to stop procrastinating. I'm so damn concerned about losing weight, that I never do any of my online classes! I'm starting to coach my old cheerleading squad. It'll be nice because I can be different than my old coach was to me. I don't have to hint at people if they are too big. I feel like I will be more accepting than the old coach was. After all, she's pretty much the one that got me obsessed with losing weight. They are all my girls, and they are beautiful, whatever size they are.
Wow, I sound like a hypocrite. It's weird though. I really am not concerned about anyone's weight. I don't see people as fat. I think girls are skinny, and they'll weigh more than me. I just see myself as large.
Each day I am falling more and more in love with my fiance. Oh, he's so sweet. I've been doing online class stuff for hours, and all he wants to do it pamper me and treat me like a princess. It's nice to actually be treated well for a change. I love him
oh, I know there was more I was going to talk about... Oh, umm.... I have 1 follower! woo! Thank you Follower #1 who's name I cannot remember. It feels good to know that I'm possibly not just talking to myself on here anymore. ha.
umm...umm...umm.... shoot, I don't remember what else I was going to say. I should make lists. But then I would ramble on and on. More than I'm doing right now.
I should go. Tomorrow is going to be a long day. My first day of coaching! Wish me luck (and the willpower to not eat any damn Lunchables!)
Goodnight,
Anabelle <3
My life is starting to turn around. I'm doing fairly well in college. I need to stop procrastinating. I'm so damn concerned about losing weight, that I never do any of my online classes! I'm starting to coach my old cheerleading squad. It'll be nice because I can be different than my old coach was to me. I don't have to hint at people if they are too big. I feel like I will be more accepting than the old coach was. After all, she's pretty much the one that got me obsessed with losing weight. They are all my girls, and they are beautiful, whatever size they are.
Wow, I sound like a hypocrite. It's weird though. I really am not concerned about anyone's weight. I don't see people as fat. I think girls are skinny, and they'll weigh more than me. I just see myself as large.
Each day I am falling more and more in love with my fiance. Oh, he's so sweet. I've been doing online class stuff for hours, and all he wants to do it pamper me and treat me like a princess. It's nice to actually be treated well for a change. I love him
oh, I know there was more I was going to talk about... Oh, umm.... I have 1 follower! woo! Thank you Follower #1 who's name I cannot remember. It feels good to know that I'm possibly not just talking to myself on here anymore. ha.
umm...umm...umm.... shoot, I don't remember what else I was going to say. I should make lists. But then I would ramble on and on. More than I'm doing right now.
I should go. Tomorrow is going to be a long day. My first day of coaching! Wish me luck (and the willpower to not eat any damn Lunchables!)
Goodnight,
Anabelle <3
Oh, not too bad...
Okay, so I have concluded that completely just binging for two weeks, then going back to no calories a day is a stupid idea. So, I'm going to just start weening myself off of food. Cut back to one meal a day today, which is good. Took the diet pills. They were working until about...oh, about 9:45. Not bad. They kind of make me feel sick though. I don't think they were meant to be taken completely on an empty stomach, but oh well. They were expensive buggers, so I'm definitely going to use them up.
it's nice to feel hungry again. I feel like I'm starting to gain control of my life again. and at the same time i feel like i'm spinning out of control. I'm going through a best friend divorce and it made me realize that I was only sober because she was my friend. We stopped talking yesterday, and guess what? I broke out the whiskey. That was a stupid idea. She was the one that was ultimately stopping me from attaining my goal weight though, so hopefully I can finally get closer to where I want to be. She used to be bulimic, so we shared everything we did. Eating stuff. But she got sick, and had to stop, and since she has recovered, she wouldn't tolerate my eating habits. So, I put them on the back burner. Now that she's gone, I can do whatever I want.
The downside: I have no one to talk ana-mia to! I feel kind of alone. So I'm going to try to reach out and get a new ana buddy.
feel free to add me on msn: ana.belle.mia@live.com
this blog is long enough. ha, I may have to start a new post. Very talkative today.
Love,
Anabelle
it's nice to feel hungry again. I feel like I'm starting to gain control of my life again. and at the same time i feel like i'm spinning out of control. I'm going through a best friend divorce and it made me realize that I was only sober because she was my friend. We stopped talking yesterday, and guess what? I broke out the whiskey. That was a stupid idea. She was the one that was ultimately stopping me from attaining my goal weight though, so hopefully I can finally get closer to where I want to be. She used to be bulimic, so we shared everything we did. Eating stuff. But she got sick, and had to stop, and since she has recovered, she wouldn't tolerate my eating habits. So, I put them on the back burner. Now that she's gone, I can do whatever I want.
The downside: I have no one to talk ana-mia to! I feel kind of alone. So I'm going to try to reach out and get a new ana buddy.
feel free to add me on msn: ana.belle.mia@live.com
this blog is long enough. ha, I may have to start a new post. Very talkative today.
Love,
Anabelle
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Hmm...
Well, I haven't written in a couple days. Binged pretty badly lately. But my new 6 day fast starts tomorrow, so hopefully I can get back on track. I bought some appetite supressants... yeah, I feel like it's cheating, but oh well. I just need to get used to being hungry again, and not give into cravings. It's nice because, well, my whole family is on a diet, and we are trying to use up all the food in the house. So, our fridge only contains condiments, soda, and a jar of pickles. I like it.
So, this week should be easier, food wise, that is. My mom went out of town this weekend, so it was just me and my dad. Without my mom there supervising him, my dad felt like he could do whatever he wanted. He went to the liquor store and bought a case of beer and some bottle of booze that I couldn't figure out what it was. That was at 5. By 7 it all of it was almost gone. He spent the whole damn day drinking and watching the Discovery Channel. Ugh. My parents have been fighting a lot lately. My dad has been a huge douchebag to my mom. He would never hit her, but he just messes with her head. She gets so pissed when he ignores her. He will ignore her for days and days. He's really pissed because she has changed since she started her new job about a year ago. They were hermits before she started her new job. Now she starts to hang out with her friends maybe once a week. Of course she is going to change. She doesn't hate this job! I honestly think they will get a divorce before I graduate college. I know I'm being terribly pessamistic, but I don't like to get my hopes up ever.
My mother, on the other hand, is really weird too. Ever since she got this new job, she's been spending enormous amounts of money. She makes less than she did at her old job, and money was super tight then, so, i'm really not sure what's going on. It freaks me out. I really need to move out. This house is driving me insane. I can't afford to move out though. My parents won't help me with rent for an apartment, and I'm only working like four days a week at 11 dollars an hour. Not quite enough to live on when you're paying for college on your own as well. Plus I drive 25 miles to school every day. Gas and car maintenance is going to be a bitch.
Wow, I'm wired right now. I tool 2 sleeping pills (I have insomnia.) and they aren't kicking in tonight. Great. I'm gonna fall asleep super late and feel loopy in the morning for work.
Going through my best friend divorce right now too. She pretty much told me to fuck off, so I am fucking off. Better off not as friends. We fought like every day anyways. I'm getting all the toxic people out of my life right now.
I'm engaged. Wow, can't believe I didn't mention that sooner in this blog! Yes. On Wednesday. Oh, I love him. I've known him since first grade. I told him that we can't plan anything until after I finish college though. My mother always taught me to never rely on a man financially. Always be able to be independent. He doesn't like that he has to wait, but if he loves me, he'll wait. Hopefully. ha.
But I'm also thinking that I don't want to spend my whole college experience engaged. Oh, I wish he would have waited. You know college kids. They get drunk. They do stupid shit. I don't trust myself to stay faithful while drunk. SO, no drinking in college. Damn....
Oh welll. I should get going to bed. Good night to all!
~Anabelle
So, this week should be easier, food wise, that is. My mom went out of town this weekend, so it was just me and my dad. Without my mom there supervising him, my dad felt like he could do whatever he wanted. He went to the liquor store and bought a case of beer and some bottle of booze that I couldn't figure out what it was. That was at 5. By 7 it all of it was almost gone. He spent the whole damn day drinking and watching the Discovery Channel. Ugh. My parents have been fighting a lot lately. My dad has been a huge douchebag to my mom. He would never hit her, but he just messes with her head. She gets so pissed when he ignores her. He will ignore her for days and days. He's really pissed because she has changed since she started her new job about a year ago. They were hermits before she started her new job. Now she starts to hang out with her friends maybe once a week. Of course she is going to change. She doesn't hate this job! I honestly think they will get a divorce before I graduate college. I know I'm being terribly pessamistic, but I don't like to get my hopes up ever.
My mother, on the other hand, is really weird too. Ever since she got this new job, she's been spending enormous amounts of money. She makes less than she did at her old job, and money was super tight then, so, i'm really not sure what's going on. It freaks me out. I really need to move out. This house is driving me insane. I can't afford to move out though. My parents won't help me with rent for an apartment, and I'm only working like four days a week at 11 dollars an hour. Not quite enough to live on when you're paying for college on your own as well. Plus I drive 25 miles to school every day. Gas and car maintenance is going to be a bitch.
Wow, I'm wired right now. I tool 2 sleeping pills (I have insomnia.) and they aren't kicking in tonight. Great. I'm gonna fall asleep super late and feel loopy in the morning for work.
Going through my best friend divorce right now too. She pretty much told me to fuck off, so I am fucking off. Better off not as friends. We fought like every day anyways. I'm getting all the toxic people out of my life right now.
I'm engaged. Wow, can't believe I didn't mention that sooner in this blog! Yes. On Wednesday. Oh, I love him. I've known him since first grade. I told him that we can't plan anything until after I finish college though. My mother always taught me to never rely on a man financially. Always be able to be independent. He doesn't like that he has to wait, but if he loves me, he'll wait. Hopefully. ha.
But I'm also thinking that I don't want to spend my whole college experience engaged. Oh, I wish he would have waited. You know college kids. They get drunk. They do stupid shit. I don't trust myself to stay faithful while drunk. SO, no drinking in college. Damn....
Oh welll. I should get going to bed. Good night to all!
~Anabelle
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Bad calorie day...
so, went to work today. it felt good because i could tell that i was starting to get hungry again. i like feeling hungry. it makes me feel like everything i'm doing is working.
then i came home.
looked in the fridge. stupid idea. i'll normally have a piece of cheese before bed. but i saw an arby's bag in the fridge. ugh. roast beef. i ate it. then.... if that wasn't bad enough... i had another ham sandwich.
this ends now.
i need to start fasting. very very soon.
i'll keep you posted.
then i came home.
looked in the fridge. stupid idea. i'll normally have a piece of cheese before bed. but i saw an arby's bag in the fridge. ugh. roast beef. i ate it. then.... if that wasn't bad enough... i had another ham sandwich.
this ends now.
i need to start fasting. very very soon.
i'll keep you posted.
Cheating...
so, i'm angry. angry at everything that happened yesterday. between calculus and chemistry today i drove to the convenience store and bought a monster and some pepperoni flavored combos. tricky advertising, i must say. i was like halfway through the bad, then looked at the packaging info. 7 servings per bag. rather ridiculous, i must say. 140 calories per serving. so, i ate about half. 140 times 3.5.... 490 calories. already exceeding my limits for daily calorie consumption. add in the monster. ugh... i'm about 300 calories over. this week long cycle is not working so much this week.
i just need to calm down and focus. i work tonight. my last class ends at 3, drive a half an hour home, then work at 4 until around 9. so that will keep me busy and help me not binge. i'm wearing size 1 jeans today! i'm not going to mess this up!!
i just need to calm down and focus. i work tonight. my last class ends at 3, drive a half an hour home, then work at 4 until around 9. so that will keep me busy and help me not binge. i'm wearing size 1 jeans today! i'm not going to mess this up!!
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Bad day
Today was a bad day. I should be happy, but I'm not.
It's a beautiful day outside, and my boss decided to close up shop an hour early to go to the lake. I got all my online english assignments done.
Ugh. I also binged so much today. I ate 2 lunchables! 2! and...oh...what else? this oreo cake thing I found in the refrigerator. (crazy amount of calories!) and half a bag of corn nuts. I've lost all control today. I took laxatives on some stupid impulse last night, so I've had a stomach ache all day. I almost want to take more just to cleanse myself of all the junk that I put into my body today.
Tomorrow starts my next 6 day cycle of no eating. I don't know if I can do it. All of my willpower is exhausted by now. I'm going to try to do 2 cycles, then binge (not a lot, of course).
It's a beautiful day outside, and my boss decided to close up shop an hour early to go to the lake. I got all my online english assignments done.
Ugh. I also binged so much today. I ate 2 lunchables! 2! and...oh...what else? this oreo cake thing I found in the refrigerator. (crazy amount of calories!) and half a bag of corn nuts. I've lost all control today. I took laxatives on some stupid impulse last night, so I've had a stomach ache all day. I almost want to take more just to cleanse myself of all the junk that I put into my body today.
Tomorrow starts my next 6 day cycle of no eating. I don't know if I can do it. All of my willpower is exhausted by now. I'm going to try to do 2 cycles, then binge (not a lot, of course).
From the start...
In high school I was a cheerleader. I started in ninth grade, and it was just an amazing experience. I was the smallest girl, therefore, I was the one that was thrown in the air the most. I loved flying. It's all I did. I gained some weight between ninth and tenth grade, and when I came back in the fall, my coach wouldn't have my flying as much. I wasn't flying at all after a while. After talking to some of the older girls, they told me that Coach would let people fly if they got too big. Here begins my long struggle with my weight.
I lost the weight, but Coach still wouldn't let me fly. I assumed that I was always too big. When senior year came around, I finally became the flyer again. By then, I was an emotional wreck.
In tenth and eleventh grade, I struggled with narcotic drug addiction. It got a little out of control. I ended up getting my best friend stabbed for drugs. After OD'ing, I decided it was time for change. I cleaned up my act. Got sober. The drugs kept me skinny, and when I got sober I had to deal with losing weight again.
I took laxatives every day for long periods of time. I ended up getting seriously dehydrated because I wasn't eating anything at all, so the laxatives were just taking all of the water out of me. I remember being at work and just throwing up so bad because I was so dehydrated. It was awful.
Junior and Senior year were my ana-mia stages. I would go about 6 days without eating, then eating about 400-500 calories on the 7th day. It was exhausting keeping track of everything that I ate.
As for now, I am in college. Still dealing with my weight. I got my weight up to 125lbs. this summer and maintained it. I was healthy. But I still yearn to be smaller. I'm afraid that I'm going to end up like my mother, and grandmother. They both have numerous health problems due to their weight. They are both rather obese, and I am determined to never allow myself to become that big.
I lost the weight, but Coach still wouldn't let me fly. I assumed that I was always too big. When senior year came around, I finally became the flyer again. By then, I was an emotional wreck.
In tenth and eleventh grade, I struggled with narcotic drug addiction. It got a little out of control. I ended up getting my best friend stabbed for drugs. After OD'ing, I decided it was time for change. I cleaned up my act. Got sober. The drugs kept me skinny, and when I got sober I had to deal with losing weight again.
I took laxatives every day for long periods of time. I ended up getting seriously dehydrated because I wasn't eating anything at all, so the laxatives were just taking all of the water out of me. I remember being at work and just throwing up so bad because I was so dehydrated. It was awful.
Junior and Senior year were my ana-mia stages. I would go about 6 days without eating, then eating about 400-500 calories on the 7th day. It was exhausting keeping track of everything that I ate.
As for now, I am in college. Still dealing with my weight. I got my weight up to 125lbs. this summer and maintained it. I was healthy. But I still yearn to be smaller. I'm afraid that I'm going to end up like my mother, and grandmother. They both have numerous health problems due to their weight. They are both rather obese, and I am determined to never allow myself to become that big.
Welcome
Hello. I'm AnaBelle, and I started this blog to show my ana-mia journey. I am not promoting eating disorders whatsoever. I just want to share my journey. Please stop reading now if you are going to make rude comments.
I'm AnaBelle, and this is my story...
I'm AnaBelle, and this is my story...
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